06.30.06
Posted in Coming out, Identity, Youth at 1:41 pm by Irene Oh
As I explained many things to her, I debunked a lot of myths and stereotypes about the LGBT community along the way. To me, coming out is much more than telling people that I am gay. It also means an obligation on my part to educate people around me, to pave the way for better understanding of the LGBT community in society. Furthermore, the most important significance is to let people whom I care for, to understand me for who I am.
I complained to my friend that there is still a lot of negative social stigma associated with gays and lesbians. She replied, “Actually the situation now is considered good. If you told people that you are gay, like 10 or 20 years ago, people would just immediately conclude that you have AIDS.”
It is so true, and it dawned upon me how far we have come and how much our brave predecessors have achieved. Suddenly I felt so blessed being able to acknowledge to myself that I am gay, and tell people that I am gay without fearing persecution. However, the future journey is arduous, and far from complete. It is really up to us, to take more steps forward.
I am beginning to see that the most powerful form of activism is actually coming out. It is more powerful than gay pride parades, blogs, talks and forums, petitions and any other form of activism. It changes people’s misconceptions and mindsets fundamentally, because they know me as a real person, and I am exactly the same person before and after they found out that I am gay. Nothing has changed, and being gay is only a part of my overall identity. My sexual orientation is not a fashion statement which I feel compelled to wear on my sleeve, but rather a part of myself which I prefer not to hide consciously, if the circumstances permit.
Only when queer people are not merely names in the afternoon/ evening tabloids, but family and friends of every one of us in the society, then we can remove the negative social stigma. I can see it happening right beside me. I have friends who used to have negative perceptions of homosexual people but they are becoming more open-minded and accepting. I have guy friends who know that lesbians are not just butches and femmes and understand that lesbians are not waiting for the right men. I have lady friends who have no qualm about joking with me that they will love to marry me despite being well-aware of my sexual orientation. I love the way how it manifests to become a deep-rooted understanding, instead of superficial acceptance while sweeping everything under the carpet in denial.
I feel stronger and less vulnerable every time I come out to another person, and I do hope that I will be strong enough one day to take the step in my family. I will be invincible once I achieve that.
- About: Amajor_resonance believes that as long as we hold on together, we will not walk alone in the dark.
- Forum discussion: Coming out
- technorati: Identity, Coming out, Lesbian, Activism
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06.29.06
Posted in Coming out, Identity, Youth at 10:21 am by Irene Oh
I was sitting outside the lecture theatre, having a short break with a friend after a particularly draining and exhausting lecture.
She is someone I knew since my junior college days, when she was in the same CCA as me. We were never close friends, but somehow a strange streak of fate brought us together again, when we ended up in the same faculty in university, and happened to take one same course for that particular semester.
It started off as an innocent conversation, but it did not last that way.
In the midst of talking about skin care and beauty tips (Engineering girls are girls too, so what do you expect? Duh.), I mentioned that actually if she knows gay men, they will be a good source of information for this particular topic. Of course it is a stereotype, but it is not a completely groundless or invalid stereotype. I spouted this comment casually, and I was not contemplating about revealing my sexual orientation to her, not even at that point of time.
Her eyes widened. My heart seemed to miss a beat.
She replied, “How come you know gay people? I don’t know of any actually.”
“They are my friends who tell me that they are gay, lor.” It was hard for me to contain my cool, while trying hard not to choke on the curry puff which I was eating.
“Wow. That is amazing, I don’t know of friends who are gay.”
(Are you kidding me? There is one sitting right in front of you now!)
In that split second, a sudden impulsive urge washed over me. She did not seem to be homophobic. Why don’t I come out to her?
I started to tell her about my gay and lesbian friends. She also told me stories which she has heard, like how a guy friend of her is extremely homophobic because another guy solicited sex from him, and how the only lesbian she knew is a butch who was staying in the same hostel as her. I was steering the conversation towards a direction, that gays and lesbians are normal and well-adjusted individuals, simply with different preferences. It is just like how some people are born to be left-handed.
She listened attentively with awe, while I opened the door to a world which was completely invisible and shielded from her. She admitted that she was very ignorant of the different communities in society, and I assured her that it is fine, as long as she keeps an open mind and refrains from passing hasty judgments. I hinted that she needs it, because it is very likely that she has gay and lesbian friends as well, just that they have not come out to her.
Unexpectedly, she exclaimed, “You know something? Now I feel envious of you. You have friends who tell you such intricate details about themselves; they have given you such a precious gift of trust!”
I knew it is true, and I should not deny this gift of trust to her anymore. “Do you know why I told you so much about gay and lesbians just now?” I asked. She looked at me with the quizzical look in her eyes. I stole a breath, and said, “That is because I am a lesbian.” I was careful to articulate every word properly and slowly, for fear that she would ask me to repeat, and I would lose the courage to say it once again.
For the moment, she simply stared at me. I could visualize how she was absorbing this piece of information, but I had no means to see how she was processing it. To my immense relief, she laughed, “Oh so that is what you were trying to tell me all along!”
It was getting late, as the lights along the corridors flickered on, and fewer students were milling about. Despite this, we had no intention to pack up and leave, as I was explaining to her why I identify myself as a lesbian. I answered the usual questions such as when did I realize that I like girls, what do I plan to do about it in future, etc. I also spent a long time asserting that there is actually no such thing called ‘gay lifestyle’, for it is just a collective identity, and not a lifestyle.
She blamed me jokingly, that I effectively switched on her ‘gaydar’, and she would start to suspect all her friends who are single and who have yet to indicate interest in the opposite sex. I could not stop laughing upon hearing that.
“Come to think of it, I have two aunts who are still not married,” she pondered.
“Hmm… can it be that they are…”
She protested, “But they don’t look like they are!”
“Then do you think I look like one?”
She admitted, “No, you don’t.”
I chuckled to myself, and took a big bite out of my curry puff, triumphantly.
(To be continued.)
- About: Amajor_resonance reckons that it is a good idea to come out to people while eating curry puffs.
- Forum discussion: Coming out
- technorati: Identity, Coming out, Lesbian, Activism
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06.27.06
Posted in General, LGBT Rights at 10:52 am by Guest Writers
From kafka4prez in flickr.com
About a couple of months before I entered Fudan University in Shanghai, I received the news that it was going to offer undergraduates an optional course in homosexual studies. I am going to take that module, and maybe even excel in it, I thought. Ha, fat chance.
The module had an intake of 100 students, and over a thousand students were vying for those sacred places. First-year students didn’t even have a chance, actually. Students had to save seats for themselves from lunchtime till when the class starts at 6.30pm. About an hour before class starts, many students are already inside the classroom to secure their seats, by 6pm the classroom is filled with people standing around waiting for the excitement to begin and cameras take their positions as well. Many people from outside the campus join the crowd too, and it was virtually impossible to even get a glimpse of the head of the guest speaker by 6.30pm from the doors and windows of the classroom.
The course was conducted mainly by different guest speakers every week, who touched on issues such as homosexual sex affairs like money boys, and on more serious concerns like discrimination they personally have faced. I myself only attended one lecture on lesbians and many people have walked out of that classroom more informed, acquainted and eager to find out more.
Even after so many years since the Cultural Revolution, the topic of sex seems to be frowned upon in China’s society today, let alone sexual orientation, which stems from sex. One needs lots of courage to talk about such questions, especially since many people will try to shush you. Thinking that the students in Fudan are all liberal and matured, I did approach this girl during one of our initial orientation group gatherings and asked whether her roommates were gay (I tried to ask her in an indirect way but she didn’t get it, so I kept trying to get to the word but never said it outright). She totally laughed it off and said that her roommate was just a tomboy and not what I thought. Then she went on to say although they went through the Cultural Revolution, their thinking certainly didn’t.
The students here in general, though more so for girls than guys, link arms and hold hands (clasped even, sometimes) all the time, as a form of camaraderie. I didn’t feel too comfortable when local friends started to link arms with me or became a tad too touchy-feely with me. I grew to accept it as a culture thing, but I still can’t be at ease with it, and I think it shows because now no one links her arms with mine anymore. So imagine the number of homosexuals I thought existed when I saw girls linking arms and holding hands, before knowing that it’s just a cultural phenomenon. But I guess it’s easier for gay Chinese to hide behind this phenomenon since the Chinese can brush this behaviour off as inherent intimacy amongst same-sexes. Easier, and yet all the more harder?
If advocating change in the rigidity of unquestioning status quo starts from schools, then I would say Fudan is doing a good job. Banned 2 years ago in Shanghai, the play ‘The Vagina Monologues‘ never saw light again until students from Fudan decided to take it in their own hands just last month. The hall was packed and they received standing ovation on both nights of their performance. The localized play and professionalism of the actresses certainly moved me, especially in the scene where two girls face condemnation from one of the girl’s parents for challenging the heterosexual model (*sheepish smile*).
This brave group of students tried to perform in Shanghai University, but faced harsh criticisms barely a few minutes into the play (it starts off with many girls saying “vagina” and echo each other for a whole minute). It was threatened to be discontinued, but fortunately an enlightened teacher helped them convince the upset obstructionist to let it go on. The doors to the theatre were locked, however, and latecomers were told that the play was cancelled.
There is an increasing relaxed attitude towards homosexuality in Shanghai, and Fudan appears to be one of the shepherds to guide the Chinese towards a diverse and progressive society.
Related readings :
1) China Daily’s news article on the event: ‘Gay college course start of nation’s lesson.’
2) China View’s news article on the event: ‘University offers homosexual studies.’
3) China View’s news article on the banning of the stage drama ‘The Vagina Monologues’ in 2004.
- About: If there's one thing Xanne is happy about being in China, it's watching Fudan evolve.
- Forum discussion: LGBT Rights
- technorati: Fudan University, gay, glbt, lesbian, queer, homosexuality studies, 复旦大学, 同志, 同性恋, 同性恋研究
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06.25.06
Posted in Coming out, General, Youth at 6:08 pm by mint
This is written by Mint.
—————————
After a moment of silence… I looked straight into my friend’s eyes with trust and sincerity… and three words came out of my mouth.
I said, “I like girls.
Friend A is from Shanghai. She came to Singapore when she was 13 years of age. After almost 10 years, she is “Singaporified”- speaking in Singlish and eating laksa. However, when I spoke the words above, I was not sure if she could accept it due to her upbringing by her conservative parents.
Thus, before she replied, I said, “ok, you’re allowed to stand 3m away from me next time.”
“No! I will stand closer, ‘cos I know I’m not your type.”
Thanks friend, you really know me well.
A friend once told me that when she came out to her friend, her friend asked, “why didn’t you like me?”
Silly question indeed.
Nonetheless, I came up with a good reply cum rebuke just in case I am faced with the same question:”Hey, you are straight but do you fall for every single man under the sun?!”
Alas, I have yet a chance to showcase my “proudly created rebuke”.
I was in Billy Bombers with Friend B, discussing the juicy topic of who-do-you-like-recently (can’t replace this with “love life”, ’cause we are both single). Our conversation was in Chinese in which the 3rd person pronoun has no gender reference. Along the way, she commented that my crush is “so short in height for a guy”. Then I gave my line…
“I like girls.”
“Why did you tell me only now?”
“Er… are you shocked?”
“No problem, we have seen a lot back in school.”
Friend, I had a crush on you when we were in Secondary 4.
I did not meet Friend C through Fridae nor all girls’ parties. We met through work. However, during our first encounter, I “sensed” that we share the same sexual orientation. Four hours after we first spoke to each other, I gave that line…
“I like girls.”
“When did you know?”
“I knew since I was young.”
For her, she knew it 3 years ago. I wonder what happened, but I didn’t ask.
I was once told “knowing” and “coming out” are two different issues.
“Knowing” is being aware that you had feelings for girls. “Coming out” is accepting this fact after struggles from within. Call me abnormal if you wish, but to me, I never come out, because I didn’t experience struggles from within.
To put it in a nice way, I accepted my orientation gracefully. To put it in a not-so-nice way, I wasn’t bothered with it. Perhaps, for me, “knowing” and “coming out” is integrated. However, it is only this year that I began crawling out of my closet, with the start of a Fridae account.
The night before I went for my first Sayoni gathering, my younger sister asked whether I was sure about turning up.
“What if you become a star next time and the photos of Sayoni gathering with you inside ended up published in tabloids?”
“Me, a star? Zero possibility.”
Well, I understand the concerns my sister had. She felt that my reputation (do I have one?) is at stake in this homophobic society. Turning up for the gathering is a higher degree of confirmation of my orientation as it is a physical appearance, unlike discussing in forums virtually. What if I become a famous figure next time?! Come whatever, I am prepared to take responsibilities for my own actions. Not only on this matter, other aspects of life too
- About: Mint hopes that one day in the future, she can share what her parents said when she gave that line.
- Forum discussion: coming out
- technorati: coming out, lesbian, gay
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06.23.06
Posted in Humour at 11:56 am by pleinelune
Lost about the complex dynamics of lesbian relationships? Need some guidance? Let Pleinelune, the resident satirist, help you.
1. Thou shalt date your friends
2. Thou shalt either have deep, intimate but sexless relationships with your exes, or never ever talk to them again.
3. Thou shalt get down on your knees and prostrate everytime Leisha Hailey appears on TV.
4. Thou shalt talk about girls at every opportunity with your friends.
5. Thou shalt not date someone with the same hair
7. Thou shalt bring a U-haul to second date
6. Thou shalt bring a turkey baster to third date
8. Thou shalt just talk about feelings with your partner and take showers, all the time.
9. Thou shalt merge with your partner, in terms of clothing, hair, mindset and everything else, over the years, so much so that you look like twins.
10. Thou shalt have lesbian bed death no later than 5 years into the relationship
If Thou have not fulfilled all of these ten commandments, thou art a bad lesbian, and thou shalt not attain lesbian heaven, filled with beautiful girls, and thou shalt be thrown into hell filled with ugly straight men.
- About: Pleinelune believes stereotypes are just that: stereotypes
- Forum discussion: Same-sex Dynamics
- technorati: queer, lesbian, humour, stereotypes, gay relationships
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06.21.06
Posted in Coming out, General, Identity at 11:44 am by Guest Writers
I’m dreadful when it comes to remembering people’s names, especially Chinese ones. But I have a better memory for the conversations which I have, especially if the conversation is memorable because it is witty, engaging, enlightening or even downright annoying.
One conversation which has stayed in my mind is the one I had with a another lesbian when I was first coming out, and she eventually became a good friend. She was sharing her experiences about living as a lesbian in Malaysia with me and during that conversation she mentioned,
“Gay people can be very homophobic because of their internalised homophobia.”
Being unfamiliar with gay issues at that time, that statement came as a surprise to me. After all, I thought, how can we be the very thing which we detest in others? It is easy to point the finger to another group and say, “They are responsible for the injustices brought against me.” It is quite another thing to look inside oneself and realize that the same elements of prejudice may indeed exist inside oneself.
What is internalized homophobia? My friend explained that it happens when a gay person feels that being homosexual is wrong or immoral. In other words, internal homophobia arises when a gay person is unable to accept and love her/himself as a homosexual. We are bombarded everyday by hetero-centric themes, images and stories, so much so that it has become a hardwired notion in most of us that being heterosexual is the only way to be. Anyone who doesn’t fit into the heterosexual mold is considered to be deviant or going against nature. It can be very difficult to overcome these deeply ingrained beliefs.
Internalised homophobia has much to do with being in the closet. I was in the closet for 15 years and during that time, I kept denying that I wasn’t gay, because being gay was not “normal” and being not normal was too frightening to contemplate.
Read the rest of this entry »
- About: Cheryl is happily out and proud since incinerating her closet 2 years ago
- Forum discussion: Coming Out
- technorati: glbt, malaysia, internalised homophobia, lesbian, queer, coming out
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06.19.06
Posted in General, LUSH, Relationships, Support Groups at 12:05 pm by jin
Last week I attended a friend’s wedding. The bible passage chosen for the reading was 1Corinthians 13:4-8 about Charity aka Love. “Love is patient & kind etc”. Probably the most quoted verses at weddings. The ceremony was also traditional in the sense that the bride and groom had slightly different vows. Both of them promised to be Loving and Faithful, but she in addition had to be Obedient too.
I’m sure this practice has its roots in Ephesians 5:22-33. (Probably the 2nd-most quoted passage at weddings.) “Wives, submit to your husbands … for the husband is the head of the wife … blah blah etc”. Coincidentally or not, this verse came up during Bible study during the cell group session the day before I attended the wedding. And ironically or not, this passage was the main reason why I stopped going to church many years ago.
For the period of my life when I had boyfriends, I was disillusioned about Christianity and one big reason was this verse. Submit?!? I wasn’t about to yield to anyone, regardless whether they held the status of my boyfriend or lover. It conjured up images of docile, spineless women who tiptoe around like cowering mice. Doormats, basically. It all made me want to cringe or puke.
Read the rest of this entry »
- About: Jin aspires to be a loving, faithful, obedient christian wife
- Forum discussion: Christianity
- technorati: lesbian, gay, queer, christianity, gay christians, glbt, submission, submit
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06.18.06
Posted in General at 7:01 pm by AnJ
I watched him as he rested…
A respite from his stressors….
Railway tracks running from temple to temple.
A weathered man he is,
Come rain or shine.
His skin coarse from the elements.
His hair disheveled
Lines, etched into the skin
By the perseverence of thinking frowns.
He cares little about presentation.
His soles are worn thin.
His bags are defined by loose frays.
A shaven gentleman he is not.
Caring little for lengthy formalities.
He does not heed the call for modern luxuries.
He does not succumb to the lure of fancy cars.
His attention is undivided and undistracted:
To provide for those he called his own,
To fulfill their needs and wants to the best of his abilities,
To propel them to the fullest of their potential.
This is the calling he took upon himself.
He is inarticulate.
But he says “I love you darling.”
He steals little looks at his sleeping children.
Quietly.
In early morning before he goes.
I am only woken by the rustling…
When he picks up the blanket and covers me
the blanket i do kick off in the middle of the night.
Anyone can be a father…
But to be a Daddy…
It goes far beyond.
My Daddy.
Worthy of respect.
Worthy of honour.
- About: Mier is a princess held in Daddy's palm!
- Forum discussion: lesbian parenting
- technorati: Happy Fathers' Day, gay, lesbian, parents
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06.17.06
Posted in Events at 5:31 pm by sayoni
Come down for a day of fun, laughter and enjoyment with our lovely Sayoni girls. Contact sgsayoni@gmail.com for more information, or head on over to our Events forum
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06.16.06
Posted in General at 1:29 pm by AnJ
Dear homophobe:
I used to get angry for extensive periods when you cross my path. But these days, after a few encounters, i realized… many homophobes sing the same old song.
Like a broken record.
Your Profile, Persistent Homophobe:
1. Ignorant of homosexuality and the literature behind it.
2. If not ignorant, out to twist results of studies done.
3. Weak arguments- unable to substantiate why homosexuality is “wrong”.
4. Generalization of stereotypes.
There is a well of information that you can draw from, from this site, from the forums, to try understanding our community.
But you chose not to.
No no, you rather wallow in your ignorance and familiar ground. People like you cannot think out of the box you were born in… You are stuck.
And you love being stuck!
Because if you ever know us as people, you would be astounded by how human we are… and yet how strong we are.
That is a defeat you cannot swallow.
You don’t want to believe that we can be happy. You want us subjugated and converted. Perhaps you want us eliminated from the surface of this earth.
And you would do anything in your power to achieve your means- which is to try to steal, kill and destroy.
You TRY to:
Steal our happiness.
Kill the depressed among us with religious judgment.
Destroy the peace-loving image we have- which indeed we are.
But guess what…?
You ain’t gonna win.
Yours is a downhill battle- because you are out to steal, kill and destroy.
Peace is not on your agenda; hatred is.
We lesbians are different from you hardcore terrorist homophobe:
We are not fighting against flesh and blood.
We are fighting ignorance and misinformation.
Our means are peaceful.
That reminds me.
Yesterday, i was talking to my mother about marriage- overseas no doubt. I wanted to marry my girlfriend and asked if she would be there. My mother said this: “I will be the flower girl.”, indicating her presence. Little things like these mean so much to me.
You know the latest message the government is conveying?
Family is everything.
And what my mother say to me is of much more significance than what you homophobes say.
Two days back, my straight friends and I jested about who’s gonna walk down the aisle first.
They asked me, “what about you and Nic? Where will it be held?” And they want to be there- in spite of the fact that my marriage is going to be held overseas and they need to pay for the airfare!
My friends my friends, you have my heart…
Your era is over, dear homophobe.
You have been hoodwinked into thinking that people like you are ubiquitous. But the numbers are rapidly dwindling.
And have you ever thought of this:
We have been here for so long- since thousands and thousands of years.
… We are definately here to stay.
Even the Jews number over 15 million after plans to eradicate them by the Nazis.
Don’t take things too hard okay?
Love,
Mier
- About: Mier is thankful for her wonderful friends- straight or gay- who love her as she is.
- Forum discussion: LGBT Rights
- technorati: gay, lesbians, homophobe; homophobic
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