07.27.06

最勇敢的季节 (Season of Courage)

Posted in Chinese, Coming out, General, Identity at 10:06 pm by Guest Writers

“勇敢”两字背后所涵盖的勇气，不是每个人都能掏出来，尤其是勇敢的从衣柜里走出来。

我自问不是个懦弱的人，面对难题也不会逃避和畏缩，但我就是没有足够的勇气……

知道我是圈内人的非圈中好友，十只手指都数得完。

A: 你为什么最近总是讲电话讲到偷笑，你朋友是男的女的？
我: 女的。
A: 啊？！ （惊讶的表情）
我: 跟女生讲话就不可以笑吗？（不屑一顾）
A: 但你的样子好像在蜜运中，你不会……喜欢上女生吧？
我: 有问题吗？
A: …… (沉默……沉默……又是沉默……)

A是我相交5 年的室友，因为我的反问句“有问题吗？”而跟我有一段长时间的疏远。我能做什么? 只是满腔的无奈。

但还是有人能接受我的性取向，只是无法说服自己去相信。

B: 她是你的女朋友吗？
我: 为什么这么说？（觉得一点点的不寻常……）
B: 我那天看见你牵着她的手，四目交投……(接下去是很多四字成语。 注：这里的四字成语是用来形容如胶似漆的甜蜜。)
我: 要是我真的和她在一起，你会怕吗？（试探她对女女关系的观点。）
B: 我不会怕，也不会介意，只是有一点不可思议。
我: 为什么？
B: 你条件不差，之前他也跟你很好，为什么现在……(看着我，眼神有点凝重。)
我: 条件不差就不可以喜欢女生？ （什么道理？）
B: 要不要再考虑一下？
我: 考虑要不要跟她结婚？

这个朋友自从知道我跟女生走在一起后，每隔一、两个月就会借几本书给我看大多数的内容都是跟“走出同性关系”相关。

还有一种朋友， 也就是最极端也最好奇的非圈中份子。

C: 可不可以跟我透露一下…… (不停的向我眨眼，意示我应该向她全盘托出。)
我: 我有什么东西是这么有新闻价值的？
C: 其实我好奇了好久。
我: 好奇？什么东西？
C: 你跟我做了这么多年的朋友，将来听听嘛？
我: 到底是什么？你不告诉我，我又怎么知道？（不耐烦。）
C: 跟xx在一起了吗？
我: 这…… ( 没想到神秘的地下情都会被人逮到。)
C: 纸包不住火啦，赶快让我开开眼界。
我: 什么？（摸不着头脑。）
C: 跟女生接吻的感觉怎样？（眼睛睁得很大。）
我: 那……你要不要试试？（故意趋前靠近她的脸，吓她一大跳。）

有没有发现，我跟朋友坦白都是在她们追问的情况下发生的， 而且都是“她们”。不知道为什么，总是觉得跟男生说这些会比较容易被误解和反对。反复思量过后， 觉得原因有两个: 一、男生都爱面子，要是给他们知道我竟然“弃男选女”，那会很伤他们的自尊心。二、我男生的朋友，特别保守，我跟女性朋友交头接耳的讲话，或是搭搭肩膀，挽一挽腰都会指指点点，真是少见多怪。

跟朋友坦诚相对，比起跟父母说，应该来得轻松许多吧，尤其是好像我这样出生在一个极度保守家庭的人，父母都是执教鞭的，我又哪回有满腔的勇气去告诉他们呢？

所以，每一天的86400秒，我都在等着懦弱季节的离去，真的不知道勇敢的季节几时才会找上门来。

The courage which lies behind the word ‘courageous’ is not something which everyone can muster… especially the courage to come out of the closet.

I am not a cowardly person; I neither run nor shrink from difficulty, but I just do not have enough courage…

I can count the number of heterosexual good friends who know that I am queer on ten fingers…

A: Why have you been smiling secretly when speaking on the phone? Is your friend male or female?
I: Female.
A: Oh?! (shocked expression)
I: Can’t I smile when I’m on the phone with girls? (nonchalantly)
A: But your expression is as if you’re floating sweetly, you wouldn’t … like girls, would you?
I: ‘You’ve got a problem with that…?
A: … (silence)

A had been my acquaintance for 5 years and because of my challenge - “‘got a problem with that?”- she kept a distance from me for a long time. What could I do? I was filled with helplessness.

There are people who can accept my sexual orientation. However, they cannot convince themselves to believe it wholeheartedly.

B: Is she your girlfriend?
I: Why do you say that? (getting an odd feeling)
B: The other day, I saw you holding her hand, gazing into each other’s eyes … (she then uses many Chinese adages. Note: These adages were to describe stickily sweet intimacy.)
I: If I were really involved with her, would you be afraid? (testing her perspective on homosexual relationships)
B: I would not be afraid and I would not mind, just that it would be slightly incredible.
I: Why?
B: You have attractive qualities and previously, he got along well with you, and now…? (looks at me seriously)
I: Does being attractive mean I cannot like girls? (what kind of reasoning is that?)
B: Do you want to think about it?
I: Think about marrying her?

After this friend learnt that I was going out with a girl, she would lend me a few books, whose content were mostly about ‘leaving homosexual relationships’ on a monthly or bi-monthly basis.

There is another kind of friend, very heterosexual and very curious.

C: Can you tell me something … (blinks at me continuously to indicate that I ought to spill the beans)
I: What do I have, that is newsworthy?
C: Actually, I’ve been curious for a long time.
I: Curious? About what?
C: You’ve been my friend for many years. Tell me?
I: What is it? If you don’t tell me, how would I know? (impatient)
C: Are you with XX?
I: Mm … (I didn’t think that my secret affair would be discovered)
C: The cat is out of the bag, come on, enlighten me.
I: What? (perplexed)
C: What is it like to kiss a girl? (opens her eyes wide)
I: So… do you want to try it? (I deliberately moved towards her face, giving her a fright)

In my coming out stories, have you notice that the recipient is always female and she is always with questions? For some reason, I have always felt that I would experience misunderstandings or opposition if i come out to straight men. After reflecting, I think there are two reasons:

1. All men love ‘face’. If they learnt that I ‘gave up men and chose women’, it would hurt their pride.

2. My male friends are especially conservative. Whenever my female friends and I speak closely, put our arms on one another’s shoulders or waists, they would point and stare as if it were freakish.

Being frank with friends is probably much easier than telling one’s parents. Especially for someone like me, who is born in an extremely conservative family with authoritarian parents. How would I have the courage to tell them?

That is why, for the 86400 seconds of every day, I wait for the season of cowardice to pass. I really don’t know when the season of courage will arrive.

*Translated by onekell

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