10.30.06

Emotional Debts: (1) Shattered Unspoken Promises

Posted in Emotional Health, General at 10:21 am by AnJ

Have you ever heard these: 

“It’s not fair after everything that I’ve done for her!”
“I cannot leave her, you know… she has done too much for me.”
“She keeps harping on my past mistakes! She doesn’t allow us to move on!”

Frequently, couples who go for counselling with pain, indignation, sense of betrayal and confusion have this in common: emotional debts. Deep emotional debts that were never noted and addressed.

This results in guilt, resentment, bitterness and hostility. (If you see yourself experiencing these, this series is for you.)

All of us have emotional needs and wants that we seek to satisfy. We seek satisfaction, excitement, acceptance, connection, spontaneity, freedom and gratitude with the one we love. When relationships are dominated by emotional debts, resentment and guilt reign. People flare up over the smallest thing, being easily irritated. Sometimes incidents that are not addressed will carry over, such that the reaction to the next incident looks blown out of proportion.

How many of us walk away from our relationships having this feeling:
“She wasn’t what i expected.”

Whenever our expectations are not met, we feel disappointed. That’s when blame comes into the picture. The conflicts that come out of this is can be harsh and taxing on both partners.
The usual options that arise:
1. Give in     2. Compromise     3. Reconsider the relationship
And many couples choose to give up on their relationship in search of more ideal relationships.

Are we disillusioned? Are our expectations over the hill?
It was said that actual estimates of genuine HAPPY relationships range from 2% to 10%. This is a pathetic range. (Many straight marriages that remain unbroken are so because of children, financial matters, religious reasons and the stigma of divorce.) Certainly, more of us can do with satisfying relationships.

Existing debts can arise from positive or negative incidents from the past to the present. But no matter what the attributes of this debt, one partner consciously or unconsciously experience being either the debtor or the creditor.

Let’s illustrate this with two examples:

The positive incident- a sacrifice for the relationship:
1. Claire sacrificed her overseas scholarship for the sake of remaining with her girlfriend (Lydia), who is really bad at long distance relationships. Lydia “repays” this favour/debt with expensive gifts and accommodating Claire’s every wish. But to Claire, a debt still exists- she thinks that Lydia is not doing enough after the sacrifice she made for Lydia. So she expects Lydia to “repay” even more… to the extent that Lydia begins to feel unappreciated and “taken for granted”.

The negative incident- infidelity:
2. Casey had a one-night stand when she was drunk at a lesbian bar. She felt extremely remorseful the day after, for she is in a monogamous relationship. To make up for this mistake, Casey responds to Lisa (her girlfriend) with “whatever you wish dear”. Her efforts to please Lisa eventually got onto Lisa’s nerves. Lisa could not understand how Casey transformed from being assertive to completely passive.

So we see that emotional debts can come out of either helpful (positive) or hurtful (negative) incidents. It is also important to note that relational debts depend on individual perceptions, not some objective truth out there (does this even exist anyway?!).

So who determines the debt?

Case 1: The self-perceived debtor
Angel is really keen on a dance-form that is particularly costly to learn. Her girlfriend Jer, generously parted with thousands of dollars to cover the full cost of her dance. Jer is happy to do so, without any strings attached, because seeing Angel happy makes Jer happy. One day Jer was sent overseas by her company for 5 years, no less. Angel willingly followed Jer to this new country, forgoing her tertiary education because “she has done so much for me, this much i should do for her.” This makes Angel a relational debtor, although Jer is unaware of it.

Case 2: The self-perceived creditor
Jackie and Debbie were in a rocky relationship. After Jackie introduced a friend, Linda, to Debbie, Debbie and Linda hit it off straight away. Soon after Debbie requested for a break-up to be with Linda. Jackie is furious at Linda for “snatching” Debbie away and demanded that Linda breaks up with Debbie if they (Linda and Jackie) are still “brothers”. Linda agrees that getting together with Debbie has cause Jackie unhappiness. But this happiness is not intentional. As such, Linda refused to acknowledge the debt as perceived by Jackie.
Jackie is thus a relational creditor, albeit not acknowledged.

In case 1, the debt is defined by Angel, the debtor. In case 2, the debt is defined by Jackie, the creditor. You can see that debt needs not be acknowledged by both parties in order to have a deleterious effect on relationships.

In concluding part 1 of this series, emotional debts impact our relationships- whether romantic or platonic. Therefore it is important for us to learn to identify these “debts” and resolve them. In part 2 of this series, we will look at characteristics of people who frequently fall into the roles of creditors and debtors.

-End Part 1-

Concepts from “You Owe Me- The emotional debts that cripple relationships” by Eric J. Cohen and Gregory Sterling.

• About: Anj thinks emotional debts are potent- everyone would benefit from getting OUT of debt!
• technorati: Emotional debts, lesbian, relationships

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10.28.06

A secret love

Posted in General, Real Queer Love Stories, Relationships at 5:39 pm by snorkeem

I stood there today in the drizzle, staring over the rolling fields just beyond the entrance of the cemetery. I tried to imagine you sitting there and giving me that silly grin like you always do.

“I know, Jean. I knew long ago and it is the same for me.” She said to me. I looked blankly at her, too stunned to react. What is it that she knows? A love that has no name to it, I thought to myself: how could it be? Surely it was an abomination, a direct ticket to hell. I was ashamed that she knew, I couldn’t face myself or say anything more and she left it as that, unsure and nervous over my silence.

We spent the subsequent months being the ‘best’ friends that we were to the rest of the world. We were inseparable, much to the amusement of her boyfriend, who would say in jest that he was dating two girls instead of one. To which I suffered silently in my adolescent guilt, together with the isolation and loneliness I felt for being gay.

S was a quiet girl in class. I often found her sitting alone, watching the rest of us monkey around and chatting up a storm. Maybe it was instinct or just plain curiosity; I soon made my way toward her to see if I could get her to join the rest of us. It was not long before we became good friends. I found myself searching for her between breaks and she, for me. There was an unmistakable connection that we had, as if we could read each other’s mind.

We spent many hours after school at the park nearby, sitting on a small hill, looking at the fluffy white clouds, trying to out-imagine each other over the many challenging shapes and sizes. It was a silly game we played, so that we could hang out with each other a little longer. Sometimes she would brush her hand on mine and turn around to look at me expectantly. In spite of my desires, I would pull away every single time.

We graduated soon after and went on with our busy lives, preparing for the next stage of tertiary education, but she was always with me in my thoughts. One day, S called and delivered the grim news of cancer. I tried to tell her how I feel, but the words never came. I was too scared and unsure.

A week later, I received a phonecall from her mother and was told that S wanted to see me one last time. I raced all the way to her place and was greeted by the sound of tears. I was too late…

Today, I stood at the entrance of the cemetery, wishing and hoping that you were sitting there grinning at me. This time, I sat down next to you under the protective shadow of a large tree, the leaves shuddering in all that drizzle and wind. I was a teenager again and we were alone together again. “S, I do love you. I’ve always love you.” I whispered to the wind, hating myself, hoping S would hear it and forgive me.

For a long moment, I stared blankly at the emptiness of the place, my heart heavy with regret. I saw her with my inner eye again, this time with her arms extended; I couldn’t help but grin back through my tears. Under the looming clouds, I hugged her one last time, not wanting to let go, but I knew I must and made my way down that winding path alone.

I miss you.

• About: By Jean
• Forum discussion: Sayoni Forum
• technorati: glbt, queer, lesbian, gay, gay relationships, love, death, regrets

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10.26.06

双重标准 / Double Standards

Posted in General, Queer literature, Relationships at 1:40 am by mint

双重标准

讨厌向人家汇报一切的我，
喜欢妳问我今天会做什么。
不悦人家迟到摆臭脸的我，
快乐地期盼着妳缓缓走来。
避免在大热天穿街走巷的我，
跟着妳到燥热的公园喂蚊子。
以往开车时听中文电台的我，
已经转台为了与妳同听一曲。
受不了电影肉麻台词的我，
不介意对妳说同样的词句。

自问我是否失去自己？
自答这是个有妳的我。
没有失去，只有收获。

严厉批判双重标准的我，
为妳写下双重标准的诗

———————————

I dislike reporting my day’s plans to another,
But I like it when you asked how my day was.
A face of displeasure i give to late comers,
But i rejoice in anticipation of your footsteps slow.
I shun the sun when i am on the streets,
But on a bugs-infested, heat-scorching park trip i would follow you.
The Chinese station used to play in my car,
But your channel i have tuned to share a song.
Intolerably mushy lines in movies past,
I am now saying them only to you.

Is my sense of self lost?
This is me with the inclusion of you.
There is no loss, and you are my gain.

A merciless critic of double standards i am,
Now penning a poem of double standards for you.

Translated by Peggy

• About: Mint is writing mushy poems for the first time in her life
• Forum discussion: Sayoni Forum
• technorati: glbt, queer, lesbian, gay, lesbian relationships, gay relationships, love

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10.21.06

A Whole New World (Part 2)

Posted in Coming out, General, Identity, Youth at 6:00 pm by lublub

The GLBT community in Singapore is not exactly the most conducive environment for a questioning teen. Heck, it wasn’t a conducive environment either for the teen who is already out and proud. When I first discovered PPC, I imagined it to be like a community centre, complete with basketball court and GLBT teens just chilling about. No kidding. I thought I could even find a proper youth group there to mingle with and have fellowship. Imagine my shock when I finally saw the real thing.

Going to the PPC at its old location was a nightmare. I have never felt so scared walking around in Singapore before. Tucked away in a maze of shophouses, you had to navigate in between confusing roads and rows of shophouses. Pass by many prostitutes and goodness knows who else, as you attempt to make your way to the place. I’ve been to PPC more than 6 times. And each time I go there, I walk by a different way because I keep forgetting how to navigate to the right spot. 6 times of trial and error. Going home after Women’s Nite is an even bigger nightmare. It becomes all dark and scary outside. But of course, this was the best place that the management could find, and for the fact that it(PPC) existed, I was more than grateful already. Besides, I learned to have more guts and courage just by going there.

Furthermore, if you exclude the gay-affirming religious organisations, sports and charity organisations, gay culture in Singapore seems mostly comprised of clubbing, clubbing and more clubbing. And what’s worse is that you rarely meet youths like yourself in the non-clubbing aspects of gay culture. It is mostly adults. For youths who are just timidly aware and recognising their own sexuality, without any gay friends their age, that can be a very demoralising fact to digest. You will be left wondering, where are all the teens who are like me? Having said that, there are no proper avenues for a gay youth to find peer support. By peer support, I mean someone your age and generation, whom you can talk to.

Also, some youths might be intimidated by adults, because they are older and older strangers have a greater capacity to do bad things to you, as compared to an unknown youth your age. And for many youths, the only adults that they know are teachers, relatives, their parents and their parent’s friends. Not many of us have that opportunity to know another adult as a friend. This is because the working world and the schooling world rarely collide, if at all. (In fact, some of my friends are mildly surprised that I have 30 to 40 year old friends whom I’ve met on my own and not through parents etc.) Thus, the fact that the gay community ’seems’ comprised of alot of older people, might scare off other youths who just want to meet others like themselves - young and gay. After all, who better to relate to the feelings of a youth than another youth? We all seek people whom we can identify with after all. It’s human nature.

Besides PPC and the GLBT library, there were very few avenues and resources from which a GLBT youth could seek affirmation from besides the impersonal Internet. As a queer youth, I wanted so much to bond with others like me (in real life not virtual reality). To share my life and hear the stories of other teens. To finally find friends who really, really understood what it’s like to be me. It wouldn’t be wrong to say that I desperately needed to seek out other GLBT youths when I discovered that I was one too. And I was so disheartened to find that it was exceedingly difficult to meet other youths in person, especially so if you aren’t really that Internet-savvy and want something more than online friendships and forums.

I yearned for what I read about on the Internet. Gay-straight alliances, GLBT groups on university campuses. I wanted something alive and real. An actual, physical place which I could go to and have friends who are queer like me. Maybe something just like school you know?

Acknowledging my sexuality and going to PPC to meet other GLBT taught me one important life lesson. And that is: If you want something, don’t wait for it to fall down from the sky onto your lap. Do something about it, because your life and what you make of it is all in your hands. I can’t hang around and wait patiently, hoping that some kind soul would someday set up a place for GLBT youths to come together. By the time that happens, I’ll probably be too old to be considered ‘youth’. For all you know, it might not even happen…

Then one fine day, I realised that another gay friend of mine wanted something similar too. And then it dawned upon us that if the two of us want it, maybe there are others out there like us too. Other GLBT youths who wanted a space for themselves. A place where they can put into words, feelings that are deemed immoral and wrong in society. A place where they can speak without fear of being judged, condemned or harrased. A place to be themselves.

And so we decided to create such a place. Without experience or relevant skills. Just lots and lots of passion and ideas. It’s probably the biggest project of my life thus far, and nothing like what they make us do in school. If it works, it’ll be a dream come true for us. But for now, it’s a serious work in progress… and when the time comes, I shall share more about it.

But for now, watch this space.

• About: Lublub is a lone teenager, sitting in front of the computer in her own room. Getting connected online to hundreds of other GLBT people, all alone as well and sitting in front of the computer in their own rooms. All waiting for that one chance when they can see someone, anyone, face to face, and turn what is virtual into reality.
• Disclaimer: I know what I write here may not apply to all youths, in the sense that there might be some youths who didn't find themselves helpless despite lack of proper resources and physical avenues of support. But I believe that what I say is representative of a very real segment of this GLBT community. A segment which most of us 'out and proud' denizens do not see. But this segment of teens are seen only by their counsellors and teachers. Their loneliness and isolation in the closet is achingly real. And for this reason, I write this piece for them. (Or for the lurkers in the forum who might be feeling the same way.) Because it is these teens who need our help and support most of all...
• technorati: youth, coming out, peer support, GLBT teens

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10.20.06

w@nation

Posted in Events at 12:14 pm by snorkeem

Dear Sayoni members,

Imagine..A tantalizing barbecue spread at sunset by the poolside of the Hilton surrounded by some of hottest babes around Asia. How does that sound to you? Make that an entire weekend of activities by the women, only for the women.

Two Queens has it all planned for you at the NATION VI party for women – W @ Nation. The weekend promises to be one filled with festivities and fun where women can party alongside one another, forge new friendships (and something more) or to just chill out in the company of friends.

Besides exclusive female only programs such as an opening girl’s party and cabaret show, the W Party packages also includes entries to Fridae’s signature party Nation and closing party Hot Couture featuring the ever charismatic DJ Kate Monroe where we all join together and dance the night away as one big Fridae nation.

Package Info: Two Queens Party Queen Package: $250.00 or
Two Queens Absolute Queen Package (with accomdation) :
5D 4N Package (20th to 24th Oct)
Special Early Bird Price - till 8th Sept at $432.00
All Two Queens & Fridae members at $448.00
Standard Price : $480.00 (non-members)

Absolute Queen 4D 3N Packages (20th to 23rd Oct)
Special Early Bird Price - till 8th Sept at $387.00
All Two Queens & Fridae members at $408.00
Standard Price : $430 (non-members)

These packages are EXCLUSIVELY for the women and separate from the normal packages for the boys.
Prices have been packaged for a separate hotel, 2 x nation parties, 1 x exclusive girls party, BBQ Poolside dinner/ International Cabaret dinner & a whole load of other girly activites that runs exclusively for the girls only.

Full details on website.

Travelling Dates:
You can opt to travel from the 19th /20th to 22nd/23rd/24th Oct, depending on your own schedule. 24th oct, btw is a Hari Raya Puasa holiday in Singapore.

How to get there?
Jetstar is offering a special 2-way trip ticket at $251 (inclusive of taxes) This special rate can only be booked online if you book through the Fridae nation site. (not accesible through the jetstar asia website directly)

You can also try accessing www.tigerairways.com .The rates to fly to Phuket on the 18th or 19th Oct still cheap at the moment. At the same time, Tiger flys back to Singapore on the 23rd of Oct as well.

Who’s Going?
We have also tied up with girl groups from Malaysia, Hong Kong, Indonesia, & Thailand, so we are expecting this to be a regional event.

Special Promo:
The Early Bird packages have been extended till 8th September as the websites were launched later than expected.
We will be holding two promotions with Club95:
Club95 celebrates w@nation. Swing down on the 31st Aug or 9th September 8pm, and pay $95 off the package price (standard price) if you book on the spot*! Two Queens crew will be on hand to answer your queries about w@nation.

For More Details...
The w@nation packages are offically launched on both www.fridae.com/nation & www.twoqueensparty.com !
To link up to the w@nation on fridae, please click on the little woman figure on the right hand side of the screen. It will zip you onto a different page.

For more enquires, do give me shout at wendy@twoqueensparty.com or at 6224-3188.

We’ll see you at Phuket!
(www.twoqueensparty.com)

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10.19.06

A Whole New World (Part 1)

Posted in Coming out, General, Identity, Youth at 3:27 pm by lublub

Don’t you just love to travel?

When you travel, you are exploring a totally different kind of environment. One that is so foreign and fascinating compared to staid old Singapore.

But do you know what it’s like to travel inside yourself?

When I finally discovered that I wasn’t straight, it was as though somebody suddenly flicked a switch in my brain. Awareness came flooding in. All the little signs in the past, all those hints to self that I denied. I was discovering the real me for the first time. Before realising our sexuality, many of us would try to suppress thoughts of same-sex attraction whenever they inevitably came out. This time, I let my mind wander and explore freely. Everything seemed to make sense now.

But then again, there were also alot of things that didn’t make sense to me… and I thought, “Okay, so I’m gay. Now what?“

It is hard to be surrounded by your own friends and feel achingly distant from them. As though you never really knew them. That was true in way, you could never understand the girls’ boy-craziness. Even though you might understand a guy’s attraction to girls (like bees to honey), it is still different. Somehow. From that attraction to girls you feel. And to make things worse… I didn’t have any gay friends in school.

And hell, it sucks to be gay by yourself.

Like I said, when you finally come out to yourself, alot of bottled and pent-up feelings are finally released within you. And when that happens, there is a need to verbalise what you are feeling. Sure you say, I could do that to the straight friends I’m out to. But no matter how hard they try to emphatise, they could never reach that level of understanding that another gay person will have… for the very fact that they aren’t one. And don’t you wish once in a while, that people understood you? All of us yearn for and need friendships that aren’t casual or fair weather in its nature. But when you’re a homosexual and are going through all that emotional turmoil that accompanies realisation and self-acceptance, all the more you need that someone special to listen to you. You needed someone who cared, and genuinely understood.

But more importantly, you needed validation and assurance that you are not alone. That somebody has already gone through what you’ve gone through. And that this emotional turmoil is just a common phase. You needed someone to identify with. But when you’re a minority… how are you going to find others like yourself?

I don’t know how the wise ladies in this forum could have survived in the ’80s and ’90s, when the Internet wasn’t as available as now. Because for me, I would be at a complete loss as to how to find others like me if I didn’t have the Internet. I couldn’t exactly go around asking, ‘Eh, you gay not? Want to be my friend?’

From the Internet, I discovered that the only safe place for me to meet other GLBT was the Pelangi Pride Center. But I was really apprenhensive about going to the PPC because 1) I will be meeting complete total strangers 2) I don’t know how to get there on my own 3) I will be forced to step out of my comfort zone of familiar school and family, and into that big unknown adult world.

But I went anyway. And this was because I had finally come to a point in my life whereby, f-ck this, I better find some gay people to talk to or else I am going to die. Seriously. That was how isolated I felt in a heterosexual environment.

The Pelangi Pride Centre (a GLBT library) was a god send.

Wait, let me repeat that again. The PPC was a god-send!!! It was a glimmer of hope on my tiny computer screen, which blossomed into an experience so real and so affirming. There were people like me. And they were all so normal. It was nothing like what they show of gay culture on TV. Of drag queens and effiminate men which spoke with a high-pitched lisp and had broken wrists. The lesbian community was more diverse than I thought. It wasn’t just all butch-y girls and their femme girlfriends. There were literally ALL KINDS OF WOMEN. And I’m glad to say that most don’t fall into a label that I could neatly pigeon-hole them into. In fact, I used to think that all lesbians were young women. (How ignorant right?), and that it was just a phase that you grew out of. When I saw more of the lesbian community (through Women’s Nite, a social gathering for queer women), that old stereotype of mine was completely blown to bits. Yes. You can possibly be a lesbian for life. It has happened to others.

I met many wonderful people at PPC. I even met a straight volunteer librarian who impressed me for the fact that she, although straight, could emphatise with the marginalisation of GLBT. But there was one thing that bothered me about the gay community in Singapore. And this is just my personal point of view…

• About: Lublub is a lone teenager, sitting in front of the computer in her own room. Getting connected online to hundreds of other GLBT people, all alone as well and sitting in front of the computer in their own rooms. All waiting for that one chance when they can see someone, anyone, face to face, and turn what is virtual into reality.
• Forum discussion: Coming out
• technorati: gay youth, GLTBT, queer, coming out, identity, peer support, lesbian,

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10.16.06

Double-bill charity premiere for AWARE and Cat Welfare Society

Posted in Events at 9:00 pm by snorkeem

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Book online

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10.15.06

World Without Strangers

Posted in General, Identity at 11:09 am by jin

Nowadays, the catchphrase seems very often to be “minority issues”. It’s Us vs Them. A tiny minority fighting against the overwhelming majority. If you are not out, you must be in. And as queer Asian women, it feels like we are a minority of a minority of a minority. But I think this dichotomy of classification is too limiting. I propose we look at it from the perspective of “differences”. Differences which are to be accepted and respected.

Because while being a lesbian makes me part of a “minority” group, cut society along other lines, and I become part of the majority (because I’m Chinese). Cut it yet another way, and I’m in the minority again; (my flat isn’t an HDB one, and the government will never construct a covered walkway from my block to the bus-stop). Hence I think this way of defining society by polarizing it oversimplifies things. I prefer to think of people like a Venn diagram, which uses circles to represent different sets and the overlapping portions to define shared areas of the different sets. My circle will partly overlap the circles of other people who have some common traits, but their own circles will also overlap yet others with whom I have nothing in common, and there will be parts of my circle not overlapped at all perhaps because I haven’t yet met anyone who shares those traits with me.

Therefore with this illustration, it’s easier and fairer to think in terms of Differences. I think that differences should be expected as the norm, rather than an exception. After all we are not gingerbreadmen who came from the same cookie-cutter.

And in our mission to gain acceptance from society, we have an expectation that the majority should give space to the minority. However, as individuals we have to remember that depending on the situation we are sometimes part of the majority and be careful not to marginalise other people.

Have you ever, if you are a non-Muslim, casually asked your colleague “Hey, are you joining us for lunch?” only to have her reply “No, I’m fasting”. Then you say “Oh pai seh” (translated: “Oh I’m sorry, my bad”) I know I’ve made that slip before, and I’ve heard other people say it too. Forgetting that it’s Ramadan, the fasting month for Muslims. Of course it is not something that is said out of malice. It’s not deliberate that you ask someone who’s fasting if she’s going to have lunch. It is a genuine show of concern and courtesy, but absentmindedly applied wrongly. It’s also not that we didn’t know that our colleague is Muslim. It’s not that we don’t know that Ramadan exists.

I put it to a plain simple lack of social consciousness. An awareness that society is made of people who are all different from us. It is a very human trait (maybe even animal instinct) to only be able to see things from our own perspective. It is a learned skill, which takes conscious effort to practise, to be aware of the fact that rules which apply to us don’t necessarily apply to everyone else. And it doesn’t even have to be big issues like religion or sexuality.

In my previous workplace, I would sometimes bring a sandwich from home as lunch. And how many times over the years, was I asked by my colleagues “You eat bread for lunch?” They could not fathom how you could eat a non-rice for lunch. It was just out of their paradigm. “Ah you must be on a diet”; and the best was “Oh you must have learnt to eat bread while studying in London”. They had to invent explanations that fit the rules of their little universe, as if my sandwich needed any explaining at all.

So my point is, on one hand, we have to cultivate our own social awareness, yet we also have to recognise that other are also in the process of developing their own awareness. For example: My aunt, I am out to her. She still loves me for who I am, but she still asks me strange and silly questions about being a lesbian. I cannot immediately write her off as homophobic. As much as I may think that some of her questions are redundant or ridiculous, I have to remind myself that she’s just trying to show her concern for me, and she is only able to do it within the construct of her own little universe. So by living my life authentically, being myself, and being out to her, it gives her a chance to see and learn that although the Lesbian part of my circle doesn’t overlap her circle on our Venn diagram, there is still a large part of my circle that still overlaps with hers, because I am still the same person that she knew before.

And I am also always seeing and learning. During the recent mid-Autumn festival, one of the Chinese girls said “Let’s buy some mooncakes for the others to share. But we must ensure that the mooncakes are halal, and that we have a clean knife to cut them with. Then the Muslim girls can share too.” I think that she showed me a brilliant example of being very socially aware and conscious of others. Me, it didn’t even occur to me that besides needing a knife, we also had to be aware of the knife that we used. It’s not that I do not know these things in my head. It’s the need to apply the head knowledge to daily life and letting it be seen in our actions.

Giordano’s slogan “World Without Strangers” doesn’t mean that we can instantly be friends with everyone we meet and know everything about them. I think it means that whenever we meet someone, we must be conscious that they are different from us, with different needs and different backgrounds, and are all at different stages of their own life journeys.

Therefore in being aware that the differences do exist, we will be able to embrace those differences, and make others feel welcome and included, being just who they are.

• About: Jin believes that there's no one else in the world exactly like her.
• Forum discussion: Sayoni Forum
• technorati: glbt, lesbian, differences, diversity, gay, a world without strangers, social awareness, acceptance, coming out, queer,

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10.11.06

A life without compromise - Chapter 2

Posted in Coming out, General, Identity at 8:25 am by Guest Writers

Part 3

THE LAST

After 14 months, the relationship hit a rather serious rut where neither of us could work out our differences of timing and circumstances. It was a heart-rending decision, but we knew it would be better if we didn’t try to push things forward till it reached a cliff, for want of better metaphors.

But, if three strikes would mean I’d have to stay entirely out of the love-game, then my third serious relationship with S would effectively be it. From how we relate as two individuals in complete synchronicity in heart, mind and soul , I know I have met the one who’d fit my puzzle-piece.

With her, time seems to hold no significance because even when we first got together as friends and then lovers, we seemed to have traversed the world over and our roads converged at a complete understanding of soul-mates.

Our meeting would almost be destined though it never occured to me then that I would ever love again. At a charity event where we volunteered, I knew on first impressions that she was a lovely soul - something about the way she smiled, and her kindly disposition you’d trust on sight. What struck me later in her company was her sincerity, and how her experiences with love were so similar. We both came from very familiar places of love and loss. Significantly, I knew somehow that we would work out, only because we never really made too much of what we acknowledged, a little like a quietness in your heart where no words are needed.

In fact, words would do no justice for what we have, but all I can put here is we have a vision of a wonderful future where my children share a place in, because with her, I feel like I have come home to the soul I have denied for too long, and with her, I finally like who I am.

My children took to her as instinctively as I did, perhaps because they could trust her in the way I could. And it’s wonderful how the past months seem like years, as I’ve mentioned, time seems to have no bearing on how deeply we’ve grown together.

In short, yes, I believe my soul can now stop wandering after 34 years because as miracles would be, we’ve found each other, and that’s simply the only answer to anything we may wonder about life. If I could sum it up, my life now is a lot like how George Elliot once simply put it,

” It is never too late to become what you might have been.”

the last!

BRAVE NEW WORLD?

As for now, I can only take it a day at a time. My only wish is that by the time my kids are old enough to fully grasp the dynamics of their family life, they would also be able to understand that even their mother can be afraid of that monster who resides in her head, but she wants to be able to control it so that she can love them with all that she can and has.

So what do I envision for the years to come?
Most immediate is my wish to settle my divorce amicably and on terms where the children will have to suffer as little as possible. I have not disclosed how my ex-spouse dealt with the knowledge of my sexual identity crisis because it is too painful to write about, dredging up old demons best left buried in the past.

The practical considerations of our annulment would be how the custody of the children would be shared equitably, where future accommodations would depend on their school and my job.

To quote my ex-spouse, we hope that eventually the children would have not just two parents who love them dearly, but two others who would give them the added emotional support they need.

One can dream. And for now, that’s the sole intangible form of hope I have.

• About: Axegal is a late-bloomer gaymom.
• Forum discussion: Sayoni Forum

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10.09.06

Coming out… an ongoing process.

Posted in Coming out, General at 8:14 pm by AnJ

Coming out is not about lesbians only.
Coming out requires giving others a better understanding of double standards, of the concepts of diversity and the freedom to live in harmony with one another. It is about crossing boundaries… whether racial, religious, gender.. or sexual orientation.

After the forum organized by Sayoni during IndigNation, some people gave this feedback: The coming out stories are too rosy. They cannot identify with it.

Yes, coming out is a long-drawn process. Things don’t change over night…
The thing about people is..
They may understand what you are trying to say at that point in time; they may see the logic behind your stand.
But old habits die hard… and i find myself repeating when they automatically fall back on stereotypical cruel jokes on the queer community.

You see… our mind is filled with schemas. Which are elaborate networks of inter-related information. As people grow up, people group information together. Ideas like “lesbian” and “gay” elicit other ideas like “ephemeral relationships” and “bad”. So, each time we reason with someone, we are modifying the schema. But it is difficult to modify the entire schema at once.

Plenty of people have come up to me and gave me lines like: “You are so lucky that your mother understands.”

Yes, she understands. But no, she does not completely understand.
She understands that love is regardless of gender. She understands that straight relationships do not promise happiness, and that gay unions can provide sweet and loving companionship.
But there are certain mentalities that she holds on to… such as homosexuality is a hot trend. A trend that people can “catch” and precipitate the demise of the human race. And thus, flowing from this line, we should not allow gay people to be open about their sexuality.
And this mindset is so strong, it takes an elaborate explanation to pull her out of that paradigm. Sometimes she walks right back into the pit after some weeks… and the process repeats itself.

Just a couple of weeks back, she told me something about living up to people’s expectations.
“No matter how successful you are, being gay means that people will throw stones at you.”
To which i responded,
“No matter how close to perfection you are, as long as people want to pick bones, they will do so. There is no one in this world that everyone else would put their hands together for a resounding applause (mother’s pet phrase).”
She said, “Yes, noone can earn the praises of everyone in the world. Which is why we should not be affected by what people say.”
“Ahah!” I went, “Therefore, i cannot live for others (whims and fancies).”

Tiring? Yes, it is.
But with each time i bother with an explanation, i believe that we are making progress.

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• About: Anj is still in the coming out process...
• technorati: coming out, lesbian, Singapore

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