11.29.06
Posted in General, Politics at 1:59 am by Guest Writers
“Singapore,” Leong (1997: 142) wrote in 1997, “appears to be the last frontier in the Asian region for positive gay and lesbian developments”. Almost a decade later, however, this statement no longer rings true because Singaporean activists successfully held the first gay pride month there in Aug 2005 with little state interference. Called IndigNation, this gay pride month witnessed limited attendance and lacked the often-fully commercialized gay pride parade that has come to represent Euro-American gay pride (Armstrong 2002). Instead, IndigNation offered such free events as a poetry-reading, an art exhibition, and two public lectures on the history of same-sex practices in Singapore and China. The activists held IndigNation to protest both heavy state censorship of magazines serving gay Singaporeans and the state’s ban on such public gay parties as Nation. Incepted in 2001, Nation was a series of three parties that Asian gay portal site Fridae.com organized yearly to celebrate Singapore’s independence on Aug 9. Despite Nation’s reputation as the crown jewel of Asian circuit parties – it attracted a record 8,000 revelers in 2004 – and the US$6 million tourist revenue it generated that same year, the state banned it in 2005 on still-unverified allegations that Nation threatened public health as an HIV vector.
In view of the banning of Nation, homosexuality appears incompatible with the Singa-porean state. Although homosexuality, modernity and Americanization are not necessarily coter-minous (cf. Brenner 1998), the state treats them otherwise. Using antiquated laws that Singapore inherited from its days as a British factory, the state criminalizes same-sex acts as the results of the “immoral” American influence that industrialization exposed Singapore to in the late 1960s. However, I argue that homosexuality does indeed commensurate with the Singaporean state. Although Fridae.com continues to deny it, Nation presented the strongest statement of full national belonging gay Singaporeans have made thus far. Indeed, in attracting mostly moneyed gay men from Asia to its three nights of non-stop partying, Nation mimicked the Singaporean state in positing consumption as the basis of citizenship. In assuming that good consumption will literally buy gay Singaporeans full societal acceptance, Nation practices an assimilationist politics that Duggan (2003) calls “the new homonormativity.” Ironically, it takes IndigNation, with its free and diverse events that focused on inclusivity and community-building outside of consumption, to highlight both this commonality and the limits of homonormative model of gay citizenship that Nation presented.
The seeming incommensurability between homosexuality and the Singaporean state rests upon two bases. Legally speaking, same-sex acts remain chargeable offences in Singapore. Sections 377 and 377A of the Penal Code punish “unnatural” sex and gross indecency respectively, with life sentences as the maximum penalty. Media guidelines also forbid the positive portrayal of homosexuality. As recently as Oct 2006, the Media Development Authority (MDA) fined cable-TV provider Starhub Cable Vision (SCV) S$10,000 (US$6,500) for airing an episode of the American reality TV program Cheaters that featured footage of women engaging in ménage à trois and bondage sex. Although SCV aired the heavily pixilated footage at midnight, the MDA still found it guilty of promoting lesbianism (The Straits Times 2006).
Read the rest of this entry »
tags:
activism,
fridae.com,
gay,
gay activists,
gay community,
gay rights,
indignation 05,
lesbian,
nation,
parties,
queer,
singapore,
glbt
- About: Written by Chris K. K. Tan (koktan@uiuc.edu)
- Forum discussion: Sayoni Forum
- technorati: glbt, queer, lesbian, gay, indignation 05, nation, fridae.com, gay activists, singapore, gay community, parties, activism, gay rights
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11.25.06
Posted in General, Relationships at 11:38 am by mint
第一次的亲密接触 五年前，在图书馆第一次看到《第一次的亲密接触》。这个书名吸引了我（好，我承认我好色）。 我记得读完书时，夜阑人静，一个人躺在床上。没有激情，只有伤感；没有自慰，只有脸颊上的两行眼泪。这是一个爱情故事，结尾是场悲剧。一对处在暧昧阶段的恋人，表面上不是很在乎彼此，但暗地里都很喜欢对方。双方都没有作出任何表示。有一天，一方因重病而过时了。 整本书并没有我之前所期待的“亲密接触”。或许因为没有这样的“亲密接触”，似乎有点可惜。 这本书的故事情节自古以来层出不穷，可是它却让我从新定义“亲密接触”。爱情的“亲密接触”并不只限制在鱼水之欢。说的难听一点，只要有钱，只有在酒吧里多混两圈，肉体上的亲密接触垂手可得。心灵上的“亲密接触”才是难能可贵的。 亲密接触，是当
… 左手牵起她的右手。
… 在她的怀里宁听她的心跳。
… 拨开她眼前的头发。
… 看到她在家时的样子，没有打扮，烂衣旧裤，头发乱。
… 吃到她亲手做的早餐。
… 看着她熟睡的样子。
… 陪她去看医生。
… 我们的笑话旁人听不懂。
… 我们的用词旁人不晓得。
… 知道还会有很多很多的亲密接触。 我想，蔡志恒所谓的“亲密接触”大概就是这些吧。爱情里的亲密接触，随手可得，却轻易被遗忘。用心体会，the intimate contacts。 一段感情，无论任何阶段都会有“第一次的亲密接触”。就算一对老情侣，第一次触摸彼此的假牙，也是“第一次的亲密接触”。享受第一次，享受接触，更享受亲密。
My first intimate contact
It was five years ago in the library, when I first saw the book “My first intimate contact”. The title drew me (alright, I confess I am lascivious).
After I completed the book, I lay on bed in solitude, in the serenity of the night. There was no passion, just sadness; no comfort, but streams of tears down my cheeks. This is a love story with a tragic ending. Ambiguous lovers who disguised their affections for each other. Neither party gave a sign of their tender feelings. One day, one fell ill and passed away. This book did not hold what I anticipated from its title. There was no “intimate contact”, rendering it ostensibly incomplete and unfortunate.
Such a story line has been used repeatedly since ancient days. However, it gave me a new perspective on what “intimate contact” means. “Intimate contact” with one’s partner is not restricted to sexual gratification. To put it bluntly, with wherewithal and two rounds at the bar, such gratification is easily available. Intimate contact at the level of the soul is much more precious.
Intimate contact occurs when
… the left hand holds on to her right hand.
… listening quietly to her heartbeat at her chest.
… brushing the hair away from her eyes.
… appreciating the way she is at home, without make-up, donned in rags, hair in disarray.
… having breakfast, made by her hands.
… admiring the way she sleeps.
… being there when she goes to the doctor’s.
… having private jokes that noone else fathoms.
… using phrases that others do not comprehend.
… knowing well that there are many more opportunities for such intimacy. Perhaps, this is what the author meant. Intimacy between partners comes effortlessly and yet, is forgotten quickly. Let’s use our hearts in our experience of intimate contacts. At any stage in a relationship, there are bound to be the “first intimate contact”. The first touch of dentures for mature couples can be deemed as the “first intimate contact”. Enjoy the first, enjoy the touch… most of all, enjoy the intimacy.
- About: Mint treasures intimate contacts with her special one.
- Forum discussion: Sayoni Forum
- technorati: lesbian, gay, relationship, love, glbt, queer,
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11.23.06
Posted in Emotional Health, Ex-gay, General, Identity at 3:37 pm by Guest Writers
Family…
A place of warmth and love,
A place of acceptance,
Bestowed upon by birth.
One day, to one’s consternation,
What i never knew…
Acceptance is only acceptance,
When their mould i fit into.
What’s wrong with this?
I don’t understand.
Why’s love not a crime,
only between woman and man?
“She’s beautiful, Mum.
Personality, character and all.
You will like her
As you get to know her more.”
“Abnormal! My child,
You have grieved me so.
Same-sex love is spurious…
Please redeem your soul!
“… For God on high is full of wrath
for people of such kind.
Leave this lifestyle, please my child.
Don’t, by lust, be blind.
“… Your Daddy has cancer…
he’s weaker by the day.
Don’t you care for your father?
Can’t you stop your play?
“… Our relatives will mock us.
My friends, what will they say?
That i’ve failed at parenting,
thus my child is gay!”
A foot into the mould i put…
An awkward shape it is.
Cramped toes, sprained back…
In pain, I clenched my fists.
Family… supposedly…
A place of warmth and love,
A place of acceptance,
Bestowed upon by birth.
Alas, acceptance is acceptance,
When their mould i cramp into.
Would they care my heart smithereens
as long the facade fools?
*Author has chosen to remain anonymous.
- About: The author wants to share some of the tactics used by parents, when exerting pressure on gay children for superficial change: societal norm, religion, guilt, "face" etc. You are not alone.
- Forum discussion: Sayoni Forum
- technorati: Lesbian, coming out, acceptance, family
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11.21.06
Posted in Feminism, General, LGBT Rights, Psychology & Research at 11:56 am by AnJ
When i was still in my undergraduate years, i had a good friend who doted upon me like a sister. She told me all she needed was a degree -never matter the grades- and she would get married and be a “tai-tai”. (A tai-tai is the wife of a rich man. A tai-tai does not need to work.) This same friend of mine later told me that in any leadership committee, it is best that girls do not take up more than half of the seats. Because women, in her experience, were incompetent. And woe to any club who has a lady-chairperson!- she exclaimed. *DOTS*
Women who put down groups of other women have always intrigued me.
You would think that being women, they would understand how things are like for women. They would see the stereotypes in place and how women still have some way to go in terms of equality.
But no… There is a surprisingly number of women out there who take in everything they have been told, without critical evaluation.
Women who endorse the following statements:
“A woman should not expect to go to exactly the same places or to have the same freedom of action as men.”
“Women are unable to hold positions of power because they are overly emotional and illogical, desiring to gain too much control over men.”
“Men are less likely to fall apart in emergencies than women are.”
“Men and women have qualities that complement one another.”
“Lesbians endanger the institution of the family.”
“Lesbians tend to dress in opposite-sex clothing.”
In a study that was done on first and second year female students (note: these are tertiary-educated folks), it was found that those who endorse anti-lesbian attitudes also tend to have traditional perspectives on the role of women e.g. domestic roles. They also believe that men and women have differing roles in support of patriarchy.
And it makes me wonder why is it that the same attitudes that accompany non-progress for women (i think this is an understatement. I think such attitudes take us a few steps back!) also stand together with anti-lesbian attitudes.
While we cannot say with 100% confidence what the cause is, there are some things we can say about it:
1. Education (not specific to gender issues) does not guarantee that a woman would develop critical thinking and challenge what she sees as inconsistent.
2. Norms are so pervasive that it affects women independently of religion, race and socio-economic status.
So what can we do?
In my opinion, i think it takes up minimal energy to challenge amicably any warped notions that your lady friends might bring up. You know… mild questioning.
Take this exchange for instance:
Friend: “Nah, women are just bad at mathematics. This is scientifically proven by so many studies.”
You: “There are other factors involved like expectations of oneself and ingrained perceptions of the self. This is also scientifically supported by the way, that women do equally well at mathematics tests when these stereotypes are stripped away. Besides, one of my lady friends is a mathematics whiz.”
Women who hate women who love women…
Women who love women need not be lesbians. They are also made up of those who believe in the potential of women and are supportive towards their progress.
[After all, lesbianism is not the same as believing in equality for women. They are two mutually exclusive concepts. We all know of lesbians who believe in being docile, subservient creatures, don't we?]
So, are you a woman who really love women?
- About: AnJ loves women, through and through~
- Forum discussion: Sayoni Forum
- technorati: glbt, queer, lesbian, gay, women issues, feminism, women's rights
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11.18.06
Posted in Coming out, General, Identity at 4:22 pm by Guest Writers
It would be easy for me to say that family is chosen, not given, and that wherever I feel comfortable is where home is. But they’re there, and there’s no where else I can belong to, whether I want to or not. Maybe in some ways I’m in a lucky position to say such a thing: my family didn’t turn me away when I came out, and they still love me as they always have. I don’t have to go search for another place, another home, because mine’s still there for me. But my family is not the most progressive one you can find. While my parents are very liberal minded in many ways, in others they are still quite conservative. They retain the traditional Chinese family values, and addition to that they are faithful Catholics. I won’t pretend that my coming out didn’t cause any emotional conflict for them both, and I can’t ask more than just acceptance. I have that and I am grateful for it, but though terrible it may sound, sometimes I wish they had reacted more extremely.
See, my problem is I have to walk the line between respecting their beliefs and their hope for me to find my way to be happy, and just to ignore their idea of what my happiness is and look somewhere else for guidance and recognition.
An inherent quality of a Chinese family is that one person’s business eventually becomes everyone else’s. Whether I marry or not is the concern of my parents, grandparents, my parents’ siblings, my cousins, my grandparents’ siblings, and whoever is around to catch the news. It’s not at all a horrible thing — if you take the “right” steps and do the right thing, you’ll have lots of people to share your joy and accomplishment with, and I can’t deny enjoying moments of family gathering when the occassion arose. Growing up in a fairly tight family (extended included), I have to admit that receiving approval from my family in all aspects of my life is something that would make me happy. I know, a lot of people tell me my happiness is my own to seek, and I don’t need to accomodate my family to achieve that. It doesn’t have to be their business. But even if you may not understand, it is. Even though I live across the Pacific Ocean from the rest of them and I’m pretty much free to do anything here, I feel that eventually I’ll have to answer to them. All of them. And it would matter to me.
But at the same time, I can’t imagine coming out to the rest of my family. I cannot picture having to defend my own happiness in front of the very people who ultimately, behind criticisms, just want me to be happy, but don’t understand that I would if they could just let me be, and believe me when I say that I am.
Over the phone, when I came out to my mom, she said, “you know, you’ve never really been close to a guy before. Maybe if you met someone and you manage to form a close relationship, you can still share that bond,” and when I tried to say something, she simply asked, “just try, ok? you never know.” I couldn’t say no, even though I knew I wouldn’t try that hard.
My struggle with my family is this: I know they love me, I know I’m accepted, but I can’t find my place in it. I can’t turn my back on them — I really have no reason to, and it would be the most horrible thing to do after all the love and patience they’ve given me. And I feel terribly spoiled and ungrateful for complaining about this, when a lot of us have to face rejection and denial from their families. But to indulge myself for another second — if my family had done that, then it would be up to myself to look for a family elsewhere.
But I guess I shouldn’t say that as if I’ll be able to find one that’s better. Family’s family, and it is what it is. I don’t know if you believe that members of a blood family share something special between them, maybe genes and whatever form they manifest in. I suppose I do, even if I might just be brought up or taught to. But I am who I am because of them, I can’t deny that. If I turn away, I’ll be denying a part of myself.
I remember my dad once said to me, “Of course you might get along better with your friends. You chose your friends; you didn’t get to choose your family. But you’ll come to realize that family is something different: friends come and go, and at the end of the day, your family will still be there for you.”
So I guess even if I wanted to walk away, they’d still be there.
- About: By Stine from thelesbianlifestyle.blogspot.com
- Forum discussion: Sayoni Forum
- technorati: glbt, queer, lesbian, gay, coming out, family relationships, love, parents, gay children, support
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11.13.06
Posted in General, Identity at 1:13 am by Guest Writers
I guess I can be considered “butch”. I’m usually not one for labels, but labels find their way to be attached to me anyway. This is not a post about the politics of the butch and femme dichotomy, being or not being. It’s an issue that bothers me every now and then, and lately it has just been driving me insane.
Why I said I “guess” I am butch is because while I don’t think of myself as one, other people seem to mistake me as a boy. And that’s usually fine because other strangers have no business in how I look, and my friends know who I am so it’s a non-issue. But it all stops when I step into the now much-dreaded bathroom/changeroom. Suddenly, my sexual identity becomes everyone’s business.
I’ve had plenty of encounters in the bathroom. Unfriendly stares, hostile confrontations and all. Most of the time it’s a genuine mistake — whoever gives me a hard time is the one to end up feeling embarassed when they realise that they have made a mistake, which is usually when I open my mouth to say, “um..” and my voice becomes proof that I’m not, in fact, a guy. Then I guess they look at me all over again and decide that I could look like a girl too.
Most of the time I just brush it off. I say, “it’s ok, it happens.” I try to shrug it off, but I know it bothers me, and it’s piling up. Now I avoid public restrooms if I can, and I try not to make eye contact with other women in the changeroom before I have my clothes off. My natural reaction sometimes is to apologize. I suppose I feel that I have unintentionally offended them or something. But the more I think about it, the less sense it makes to feel sorry, and I’m tired of walking with my head hung low.
It’s a mixed feeling. I know most women just react out of self-defense. Where that reflex comes from is a whole other can of worms, and come to think of it, if I were actually a man, I don’t know if I should feel offended for the assumed ill intentions rather than an innocent mistake. On one hand, I understand where those reactions come from, but on the other, knowing that doesn’t make me feel any better. And what am I supposed to do? Wear makeup and grow my hair out? What if I consider both to be too much trouble for me? Or go to the men’s room? I don’t see myself as a man, so that isn’t a logical solution either.
I’ve tried to come up with responses from my end that would go beyond “uh… I think I’m in the right place” and “no it’s ok.. it happens.. I’m sorry.” But I can’t. I don’t know what I’m defending myself from, or why there’s a need for it. I want to fix the problem, but I don’t know where the problem is.
One thing I do know is that I’m tired. I’m tired of being scared, and I’m tired of feeling that I’m so different.
- About: By Stine from thelesbianlifestyle.blogspot.com
- Forum discussion: Sayoni Forum
- technorati: glbt, queer, lesbian, gay, sexuality, sexual identity, butch, andro, femme, boyish looking
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11.09.06
Posted in LGBT Rights, Singapore Gay News at 11:50 am by snorkeem
The Ministry of Home Affairs is proposing to repeal Section 377 of the Penal Code which criminalises “carnal intercourse against the order of nature” while retaining Section 377A which criminalises “gross indecency” between two males.
People Like Us welcomes the repeal of s.377, but calls for the repeal of s.377A at the same time. Section 377A makes “gross indecency” between 2 males an offence whether in public or in private. Besides being discriminatory, it is also an invasion of privacy.
While the Ministry of Home Affairs, in its statement of 7 November 2006, said with respect to s.377A that “Our enforcement approach also remains the same i.e. we will not be proactive in enforcing the section against adult males engaging in consensual sex with each other in private,” such assurance does not have the weight of law; it is therefore unsatisfactory and legally, cannot be relied upon.
We recognise that non-use has been a policy for some time now. Indeed, People Like Us knows of no prosecution involving adult consensual situations in recent years, but non-use argues for its repeal, not its retention, since it plainly demonstrates that Singapore society does not need to go around prosecuting gay men.
The retention of s.377A, even if not enforced, will signal to many that homophobia is justifiable and acceptable and has the support of the State. Such a State-endorsed climate of prejudice and discrimination is to the detriment of Singapore:
1. It damages family and public life by encouraging deception and dishonesty (pretending to be straight) when people try to avoid discrimination and social or family conflict;
2. It creates pressure to emigrate, thus
(a) undermining Singapore’s desire to retain our native talent pool. Somewhere around 10 percent of each generation is gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered and to bleed populationeach generation through such discriminatory policies is unwise and near-sighted;
(b) splitting families when we say at the same time that stable and supportive families should be the bedrock of our society;
3. It undercuts Singapore’s attraction for potential incoming talent, so critical for our future;
4. It restricts the ability of the government to respond to the threat of HIV, when government agencies feel that they cannot engage with the gay community in any way except a condemnatory one. Failure to deal with HIV in the gay community puts the larger community at risk.
If the government aims for an open, inclusive society, it should be doing all it can to overturn prejudice and discrimination, rather than give people reason to remain closed-minded through retaining s.377A for symbolic purposes.
Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong told a roomful of foreign and local correspondents on 6 October 2005 that his government was not homophobic. “I don’t think we are homophobic,” he said. Deliberately retaining Section 377A proves him wrong.
In addition, People Like Us is of the view that s.377A is unconstitutional, violating Article 12(1) of the Singapore Constitution that guarantees equality.
People Like Us calls on the government to repeal both s.377 and s.377A of the Penal Code forthwith.
tags:
changing of law,
discrimination,
gay,
gay rights,
homophobia,
injustice,
law,
lesbians,
oppression,
plu,
queer,
section 377,
section 377a,
singapore,
singapore government,
unconstitutional,
glbt
- About: The original statement can be found at www.plu.sg
- Forum discussion: GLBT Rights
- technorati: glbt, gay, queer, lesbians, singapore, plu, discrimination, section 377, section 377A, law, singapore government, homophobia, changing of law, oppression, injustice, gay rights, unconstitutional
Permalink
11.07.06
Posted in Emotional Health, General at 2:07 pm by AnJ
The need for clarity- Precision
Cohen and Sterling suggest that in relationships, precision is forgotten. We operate as if our minds would be read. Too often the underlying assumptions are not brought to the table and when these assumptions become invalid, parties are exasperated.
But again, this is not so simple.
The idea of stipulating what you want in a partner comes across as artificial:
“I want you to make love to me not because i ask you to, but because you WANT to!”
“I want you to celebrate Valentine’s Day with me, out of the eagerness of your own heart.”
“If you truly loved me, you would have known. I wouldn’t need to tell you.”
For some reason, we perceive that clarity and direct communication erased the “magical feel” of romantic relationships. Instead of communciating what we want to our partners, we expect our minds to be read. When this is “done inaccurately”, we chide them for being uncaring or insensitive.
The reluctance can be summed up in this sentence “You are doing it only because i told you to.” This reluctance sets up the relationship in a no-win situation because sincere attempts to later fulfill these spoken desires would gain no appreciation.
This is a common phenomenon: thinking that others think the way we do.
“How can you do such a thing?! I would never!”
“How can you think of this? It is hurtful and insensitive.”
When we think that our partners think the way we do, direct communication is then perceived as unnecessary. Everything is left to intuition. This, however, does not work forever. Partners may believe that they are operating with existing agreements, with clear promises. And that these promises are fair.
But what is fair is subjective. Consider this conversation:
“You said you will spend more time with me! But i am seeing you only once a week and we hardly chat over the phone…” *cries foul*
“I am very busy and i thought you know it from the start? I already gave up some of my hobbies just to spend time with you!” *cries fair*
And before you know it, arguments over the accuracy of facts (from memory) and interpretation ensues:
“I never said that! Don’t put words in my mouth.”
“I remembered clearly that you said this…”
The dispute over the “ultimate truth” does little good for both parties would be adamant that ”my version is the truth!”
So we see this link:
Unspoken Promises -> Shattered Promises -> Resentment/Hostility/Disappointment -> Accusations
You need clarity. With precision, you will short-circuit this cycle.
————–
What if the party we are dealing with cannot handle the truth?
First of all we need to know that all of us are unique- therefore differences are inevitable. Healthy communication would help to ease and resolve these unavoidable conflicts.
Cohen and Sterling wrote this:
“In order for the truth to emerge, for open communication to be risked, a relationship must have a basis of trust, commitment, mutual respect and love. Beyond these basic qualities of a relationship, three additional factors are necessary to successfully address conflict:
1. couples must have an appreciation for and an acceptance of their differences;
2. they must recognize the inevitability of some conflict in their relationship;
3. they must have confidence in their abilities to effectively deal with conflict in a productive and mutually satisfying way.
All too often, conflict… is viewed as a life-threatening disease… yet, conflict is not only unavoidable in healthy relationships, it is essential to them.”
The point is:
If you think your relationship cannot handle the truth… then maybe it is on rocky foundations. (Or perhaps, you are not giving it sufficient credit.) One way to broach the topic of open communcation with your partner/friend/sibling etc, is to sit down and discuss their comfort level with laying all the cards on the table (open exchange)… Emphasizing that it is not about finger pointing; that everyone has differences and it is how we negotiate these differences that matters. Also, affirm their value to you.
————–
Being Even
“Being even” does not mean keeping a record of who did what for whom. When this happens, it becomes like a business arrangement, instead of a relationship. It is exhausting as you have to keep an eye on what your partner is doing, as well as put a value to “favours” that she did for you.
Example:
“I took the trash out yesterday; it’s your turn to do so today!”
“I paid for the telephone bill… it came up to $300. I think you should pay the utilities bill for two months to match the amount.”
Draining? Yes, i thought so too.
The opposite of score-keeping is “unconditional love“.
Now, i know some of you have airy fairy ideas of unconditional love. But as limited human beings, some give-and-take is inevitable. Imagine that this girl you like treats you like trash i.e. sleep around, abuse you emotionally and physically, would you spend your decades of your life giving time, money and loving words to someone who does not love you at all? Some call it nobility; others call it irrationality.
Being even means that there are no resentments on the side of creditors and no guilt persistently hanging over debtors. There is balance and fairness, without the need for score-keeping. Giving comes naturally.
Look at this continuum (of giving):
Her Only ———-{———-M———-}———- You Only
Between {} is the fuzzy zone of giving which occurs when partners are even. M is the midpoint of giving where exact scorekeeping is necessary. The fuzzy zone tend to widen over time when the relationship develops in positive ways, with shared history and experiences. The more intense the experiences, the wider the zone. For example: siblings who were under abusive parents and sought solace in each other.
The wider the zone {}, the greater debt-free exchange can occur.
You know you are even when you feel:
Appreciated, safe and secure, appreciative of the other party, less guarded.
Give and receive freely. And when you slip into debt, resolve the issues with clarity and commitment. That would help keep your relationship “even“.
Cheers!
——————————
Concepts from “You Owe Me- The emotional debts that cripple relationships” by Eric J. Cohen and Gregory Sterling.
- About: Anj raises her champagne glass and wishes all couples a blessed time together.
- technorati: lesbian, love, relationships
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11.05.06
Posted in Emotional Health, General at 9:21 am by AnJ
When you are faced with someone who pursue you relentlessly… someone who is out to exact the maximum punishment possible for a misdeed you have intentionally or unintentionally done and regretted, what will you do?
Or you cannot repay because the payment asked for is beyond your capacity, what can happen then?
Consider this scenario:
Jessie and Kate had been together for the past 3 months. From the start, Kate was not sure of their relationship but she went in anyway. This led to other problems later. Their preferences have stark differences. Jessie cannot sleep without the aircon on but Kate cannot sleep without the aircon; Jessie thinks making random checks on Kate’s sms-es and emails is reasonable but Kate thinks it is an invasion of privacy. Unfortunately, they could not come to a consensus on these issues. For: “If you love me, you would want me to have good sleep!” and “If you are honest and faithful, what’s there to fear?” On top of these, Kate had been ridiculed over her dressing, her language proficiency etc.
Kate decided to leave the relationship. Jessie is irate… using guilt as a potent weapon. “How can you do this to me! I am so miserable over this… you are tearing my heart into shreds… !” Kate relented, remembering what Jessie had done in the past for her. It is important to note that at this point, Kate stopped perceiving Jessie as a romantic partner, but as a confidante. What Jessie is looking for… is a romantic partner. What Kate can provide is only companionship. Thus Kate’s inability to provide more is yet another base for condemnation. “You are playing with my feelings! How can you say you love me and not mean it?” This resulted in a vicious cycle of breaking and patching up. Breaking, as initiated by Kate, when things go beyond the threshold, and patching out of guilt on Kate’s part.
In such a situation, the best bet is to flee (debt flight).
Some emotional debts are overwhelming, such that the debtors feel that they cannot pay. (No, please don’t take to your heels upon reading this!)
To flee would mean physical separation from the creditor.
This is a strategy that can be used when your survival or sanity or emotional well-being is at stake. It can be the only reasonable option for someone hopelessly stuck. Suffice to say, when debt flight occurs, the relationship is permanently severed. (And a good thing this is… if you are experiencing great distress!)
Before you flee, declare WHY you are unable to meet the terms of payment. It might be good to be clear on why you are unable to do so. This facilitates closure.
In the scenario above, Kate can tell Jessie that she is unable to play the part of a lover, because Kate does not perceive romantic attraction between them anymore.
What if you are holding yourself in debt when noone else is?
We are a bunch of people who blame ourselves a lot! Surprising but true.
As parents, they go, “Did i bring my child up properly? Why is she like that! It’s my fault… something went amiss with my way of upbringing… ”
As students, we go, “Why did i do badly? I didn’t work hard enough! I failed my parents…”
As girlfriends, we go, “Am i good enough for my girlfriend? Did i do this right? Am i treating her the best i can?”
As victims, they go, “I brought this upon myself.”
My take: see a counselor.
In such situations, it is best to determine if you are indeed culpable. For about 99% of incidents/circumstances, it takes MANY factors to come to that. To blame yourself continuously is unproductive. After all, human beings are not heavenly angels. In such instances, trouble-shoot!
Trouble-shooting is much better than going (set in repeat-mode):
“This is all my fault! How can i be like this… why did i do this… i am fully responsible… *sobs* *sighs* *scratches head till hair falls out*”
Unfruitful. Period.
A trouble-shooter goes:
What went wrong?
How to circumvent/prevent that?
How to minimize the damage now that it has occurred?
And make a point not to repeat that mistake.
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Next up: Creditors… when those you hold in debt don’t pay up.
Alright Creditors…
Here goes a paragraph of forgiveness.
I really don’t want to nag because all of us have been well-taught by our parents on forgiveness (yes?). So i will just give you the gist of what i want to say.
The basis for human forgiveness:
Human beings are flawed. We all make mistakes. That’s why we need forgiveness. Noone deserves forgiveness… forgiveness in itself means the other party is undeserving.
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting.
In fact, it might be perilous for you to forget, in the event that physical/emotional harm has been inflicted. You need to be aware of precedence of certain incidents so that you can take prevention measures. This is “protecting yourself”.
Forgiveness does not mean acceptance.
Forgiving someone does not mean you condone what was done. Imagine if your partner cheated on you repeatedly. You have given her the 100th second chance and your heart is in pieces. You are an utter wreck.
It’s time to move on baby~!
Forgiveness means letting go of the resentment. It is a personal release. This may not happen overnight. You might experience occasional pangs of hatred/resentment. But if you want to, you can make a commitment to forgive. This means dealing with your resentment and consciously making sure, as best as you can, that it does not affect the other party (this is especially important when you undergo debt settlement- refer to previous post).
Don’t want to forgive (release the resentment)?
Okay… the only other alternative: wallow in misery, hatred and blame.
Your call… *winks*
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Concepts from “You Owe Me- The emotional debts that cripple relationships” by Eric J. Cohen and Gregory Sterling.
- About: Anj is cooking up a storm for her friends soon...
- technorati: Relationships, lesbian, love
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11.03.06
Posted in Emotional Health, General at 10:34 am by AnJ
Welcome to part 3 of this series. In this section, we talk about how to identify relational debts in four simple steps.
1. Are there Problem Behaviors?
“I have never seen her so angry.”
“Everything she says drips with sarcasm.”
“She is exceptionally agreeable of late. She does everything that i like but that she hates…”
In such situations, it is important to feedback to your partner (or whoever you are dealing with) about her behavior. For example:
Ellen: “Why have you been so critical and irritable of late?”
Carol: “Nah, you are probably being over-sensitive.”
Ellen: “That’s not it. This morning you yelled at me for being 10 minutes late. You have never been angry over waiting.”
Ellen cites a specific incident and points out the discrepancy between Carol’s normal behavior and the problem behavior. This is a crucial step to recognizing that something is amiss. It also prevents the discussion from sliding into “you are over-reacting… no, you are really behaving strangly” cycle.
2. What are the underlying emotions?
Behaviors are an indication of emotions that lie beneath the surface. Some are more obvious than others. Example: Smashing of items generally reveals anger/frustration. Others are less apparent. Example: Being silent may reflect sorrow, anger, avoidance or fatigue.
Looking at the link between behaviors and feelings requires a sense of honesty. (Surprised?) Not all of us are self-aware and those of us who are… may not be self-aware in all situations.
Sometimes we are sarcastic but we pass it off as genuine laughter. Sometimes we tease out of resentment… but again, we may not be aware of the root emotion.
3. Determining if you are a creditor or a debtor.
How you feel is the best indicator.
Resentment: Irritation, Annoyance, Anger, Contempt, Rage, Hatred, Vengefulness.
You are a creditor.
Guilt: Sense of responsibility, Inadequacy, Regret, Remorse, Embarrassment, Shame, Self-hate.
You are a debtor.
4. Locating the origin of debt.
You can ask yourself: “What’s pissing me off?” Or.. “What am i trying to pay back?”
Examples of some answers to these questions:
“She pushed me into doing something i wasn’t comfortable doing. Friends do not behave that way.”
“I cannot get over the fact that she tried to kill herself over what i said. She almost died, thanks to the careless remark i made.”
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Debt Resolution
Now that you have identified the source of the debt, you can go about debt resolution.
1. The very first step to debt resolution is to realize that it is all about perceptions. How many times have you heard people say these:
“I know perfectly what you mean.”
“I heard you say that with my own ears!”
“I never said that! Don’t out words into my mouth!”
People frequently argue about who is right, who is wrong, who did what, who said what and what these mean. Each of us have unshakable faith in our own objectivity. Any discrepancies is due to mis-interpretations on everyone else’s parts. This attitude of “I am always right!” need not be consciously endorsed for you to behave this way.
Thus, when we go about solving interpersonal problems, we need to do so with humility and respect for perceptual differences. Changing the way you phrase things would help tremendously.
“It felt like you were telling me to…. when you said… “
“I may not be getting all the pieces of the puzzle, but it seems like… “
The limitations of human perception also means that we can be absolutely wrong!
It takes courage to accept this position.
2. The second thing we need to know is accepting that a debt exist does not mean that the debt is valid. That means that your partner’s perception may be unjustifiable under the circumstances… but that does not mean that the sense of debt is not real.
When you are caught in such a situation, you can:
a. appeal to third party/parties for (hopefully) a more balanced judgment
b. appeal to normal or typical behavior in that specific circumstance
But keep this in mind:
It’s not so much about being right and wrong, as it is about having one’s thoughts and feelings valued and respected by others.
When the debt is valid, you can move on to specifying how you want the debt settled.
The currency of payment can be anything the creditor can think so, as long as it is within the means of the debtor.
Examples: flowers, hobby products, increased affection,, foot rubs, stop smoking, make phone calls from work, change hair-style, clean the house.
However, things are not always as smooth.
What happens when you are faced with a debtor who cannot pay up or who refused to pay up? Or when you have a creditor who pursues you relentlessly with an exorbitant repayment price?
We will cover this in part 4 of this series.
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Concepts from “You Owe Me- The emotional debts that cripple relationships” by Eric J. Cohen and Gregory Sterling.
- About: Anj decided to spend her winter days learning to curl her tongue in French.
- technorati: emotional issues, lesbian, relationship
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