03.19.08
Posted in Coming out, LGBT Rights at 5:30 pm by AnJ
“Anj, have you experienced acceptance with respect to your sexuality?”
Before i answer that question, i have to explain what i understand of the term “acceptance”. To me, acceptance is multi-leveled and multi-layered- proximity and depth.
The levels:
1. Society
2. Work Sphere [E.g. Colleagues]
3. Extended Social Sphere [E.g. Acquaintances]
4. Immediate Social Sphere [E.g. Close friends]
5. External Family
6. Immediate Family
The layers, with respect to proximity:
1. Accepting the existence of gay persons in society
2. Accepting the existence of gay persons in one’s interaction circle
3. Accepting the existence of gay persons as friends [genuine respect for the person comes in]
4. Accepting the existence of gay persons as family [e.g. sister's partner is now your sis-in-law]
5. Accepting a gay child
The layers, with respect to depth:
1. Superficial acceptance [Pretending it's fine]
2. Greater acceptance [It's fine but some bits ain't so fine]
3. Complete acceptance Read the rest of this entry »
- About: Anj believes things get better.
- Forum discussion: Sayoni Forum
- technorati: Acceptance, coming out, lesbian, gay
Permalink
02.26.08
Posted in Coming out, General, Psychology & Research at 4:48 pm by AnJ
This article got me laughing at various points. It gives a scientific edge to a phenomenon that was previously confined largely to pop culture.
For starters, the term “gaydar” is generally defined as the ability to identify members of the gay community. It is perceived as innate, not learned. Sentences like “my gaydar sucks” or “she has a fantastic gaydar; she can identify straight-acting gay men!” are often heard. The more normative a correctly identified gay person looks and dresses, the more skilled you are perceived to be. Now to the article… Read the rest of this entry »
- About: Anj hopes to hone her gaydar.
- Forum discussion: Sayoni forum
- technorati: lesbian, gay, gaydar
Permalink
01.17.08
Posted in Bisexuality, Ex-gay, Identity, Psychology & Research at 5:46 pm by AnJ
Engine search:
“Can you change your sexual identity?”
Sure.
… if you are schizophrenic…
… self-delusional …
… or you don’t know what sexual orientation is.
Sexual orientation is something inherent for many people. That’s not something you change; that’s something you come to be aware of when you experience physical attractions. So if you want to change your sexuality identity with integrity, your sexual orientation has to be re-wired. And that, i believe, is 99.99% impossible for the person who has derived her sexual identity through thorough consideration of all her physical preferences.
It has been argued that sexuality for men is stable and sexuality for women is fluid over a life time. But these studies define sexuality at specific times according to self-reports.
Here’s a problem-
Your participants may not know how sexual orientation is defined [and hence discrepant definitions].
For most people, they make the error of defining it according to the gender of the partners they have been with i.e. the person whom they have romantic attraction towards. But being with a guy doesn’t make you a straight; just as being a woman doesn’t make you gay. And having been with members of both genders doesn’t automatically qualify you for the title “bisexual”.
Another thing to note is this- emotional attraction is a far cry from physical attraction and physical attraction is really the foundation of sexual orientation. [And your sexual orientation is only part of your sexual identity. You can read about it here.]
Sometimes i wonder if gender differences in relational dynamics are the culprit.
For example: Even if there are “Towel clubs” for gay women [i have yet to hear of one successful "towel club" for gay women here], i am guessing there won’t be many. And even through there are agency-managed male escorts and prostitutes [for straight women], there are not many.
If romantic attraction for women is determined by emotional attraction for a much larger part than physical attraction (as compared to men), is there little wonder that they found most women to be “bisexual” over a lifetime?
- About: Anj wonders...
- Forum discussion: Coming Out
- technorati: fluid sexuality, sexual identity, sexual orientation, gay, lesbian, bisexual
Permalink
01.07.08
Posted in General, Identity, Religion at 1:22 am by AnJ
Today, immediately after church, kai and i had the honor of being escorted from the overflow room to a windowless tiny “prayer and healing room” by a lady usher. When i said escorted, i meant the lady usher was holding on firmly to kai and I. Pastor Matthew wanted a word with us. The well-furnished room was empty, but for the lady usher, the pastor and us.
He stood before us in a formal suit, his body tall and broad, between us and the door. The lady usher on his right, quiet and petite.
“Hi, i am Pastor Matthew. I suppose the two of you are new?” He shook Kai’s hand.
“No, i am not new.” I answered.
“How long?”
“I have been attending this church since 1999.” I replied. “I know you, Pastor Matthew. You have been a pastor ever since i stepped in.”
“How long have you been saved?”
“I have been a Christian since the age of 5.”
Pastor Matthew asked me of Kai, “Is she a girl?”
I raised my eyebrows, “Is that not apparent…? I am a girl too. We are both girls.”
I needed to go to the washroom since before the end of service. But held out till the end of service. So you can imagine me having a high tide. Thought i could go to the washroom first. But he stopped me… Two seconds, he said. Two seconds sounds short. Okay. I held my bladder for longer.
He mentioned our behavior i.e. leaning on shoulders and holding hands. He asked, “Are the two of you in a relationship?” He elaborated- people were observing us and we are causing others to stumble through our display of affections.
I gave him a look of bewilderment, “How are we causing people to stumble?” A male usher outside shut the door of our room.
“Look at me.” He commanded.
“I have not taken my eyes off your face, Pastor Matthew.” I smiled at him and moved a step to face him squarely, less than an arm’s length away.
“Is there some kind of a relationship going on? I understand if you have challenges.” He continued. “I can show you scriptures from the bible… Are the two of you in a relationship… something more beyond friendship?” He pressed.
I gave him a light smile.
He raised his voice, “I mean are the two of you in a relationship?! Why can’t you give me an answer?!”
In response to his outburst, i asked, “Do i owe you an answer?”
“Yes, because you are causing people to stumble… If there is something going on, i have to arrest it… we can pray for you, help you…”
I raised my eyebrows again. “All i wanted is to listen to preaching. I don’t see how i am causing others to stumble.”
“Don’t eat meat in front of the vegetarians.”
I mulled over the sentence. And then it dawned upon me: eating meat in front of vegetarians would distress vegetarians. So i think what he’s asking for is behavior according to heterosexual norms. Okay, i think got that bit.
“Okay, i understand… Lots of girls lean on each other’s shoulders and hold hands. I lean on lots of people’s shoulders… next time if people ask, why don’t you just tell them that there’s nothing going on?”
He retorted, “Maybe i am living in the dark ages.”
“Probably.” I gave him a polite smile, “I really need to go to the washroom. Can i go now?”
———————————————–
She asked me, why couldn’t i just tell them we are together.
Because the ushers and other ministers would be roped into the room immediately and this session would drag for eons. It was a battle i didn’t deem worth fighting because the fight is not public and certainly not on a level platform. So if i can help it, i rather have it truncated. I didn’t want unfruitful trouble.
She asked me if i was trying to hide my sexuality.
No, i wasn’t. Because if i had told them we are only friends and there’s nothing going on, we could skip out from that windowless tiny room in two seconds. But i didn’t want to do that because that is untrue.
Am i traumatized?
No, merely angry at the way it was carried out- Escorting us firmly into the room in an aggressive manner and then trying to intimidate in manner and speech tone. It was rude to say the least.
Do i feel rejected?
No. People don’t bother me in this aspect. Christian fundamentalists once used the bible to say that inter-racial marriages are sin. Nothing human can shake my sense of His acceptance of me.
But then i gotten really mad… because i saw for myself the emotional impact of such an incident on another. And that makes me angry and indignant because it reminded me of the massive number of Christian gays who had killed or hurt themselves because of rejection from church.
What kind of a beast would put a living soul through such depths of emotional turmoil and still claim to walk in love?
tags:
christians,
discrimination,
gay,
homophobia,
hypocrisy,
lesbian,
lgbt,
militant christians,
queer,
singapore,
glbt
- About: By Anj
- Forum discussion: Sayoni Forum
- technorati: glbt, lgbt, gay, lesbian, queer, singapore, christians, homophobia, discrimination, militant christians, hypocrisy
Permalink
11.13.07
Posted in Politics, Psychology & Research at 1:22 am by AnJ
Let me refer to the article by Detenber et al (2007). The famous article used to support the retention of 377A.
Reference:
Detenber, B. H., Genite, M., Ku, M. K. Y., Ong, C. P. L., Tong, H. Y., & Yeow, M. L. H. (2007). Singaporeans’ attitudes towards lesbians and gay men and their tolerance of media portrayals of homosexuality. Internal journal of public opinion, 19(3), 367-379.
The anti-repeal camp jumped upon this statement made in opening statement of the conclusion segment: “Overall, this study found that most Singaporeans hold negative attitudes toward lesbians and gay men, and are rather intolerant towards media portrayals of homosexuality.” (Page 373).
What the researchers did: they called up Singaporean citizens over a period of 5 days and conducted interviews. They found that 68.6% of the participants expressed negative attitudes.
Here’s the break-down of predictors for negative attitudes:
1. Religion: Specifically Christians and Muslims were found to be least tolerant among Buddhists and free-thinkers.
2. Age: Older people are less tolerant.
3. Educational level: More educated people are more tolerant.
Read the rest of this entry »
- About: AnJ dislikes intentional misrepresentation of studies.
- Forum discussion: LGBT rights
- technorati: Singapore, gay, lesbian, politics, anti-gay attitudes
Permalink
09.05.07
Posted in Bisexuality, Psychology & Research at 11:49 am by AnJ
A friend said to me…
“Anj, you are bisexual.”
He thinks i can swing both ways because of my past.
I once thought i was bisexual- judging from past behavior, i can be with a member of the opposite gender.
The thought lingered until i saw a more comprehensive definition of sexuality.
It’s here, in an article written quite a while back. “Preferred sexual activity” and “Preferred characteristics of sexual partners” said it all for me. I prefer women. It’s clear as day. My obsession for androgynous faces aside (which can include both genders), the most defining aspect of my sexuality is the distinct preference for female body parts. In fact, going by this definition, i can say with absolute confidence that i find the male physique unattractive. The bods in magazines, TV, everyday men… i have seen them all. The male body allures me at zilch point.
Dangle your average naked woman and average naked man before me, you will see my feet tapping steadily towards the babe.
“If you are lesbian, how can you be with guys?”
Because a relationship is not just about sex.
It’s about emotional connection as well. If i can communicate at a high frequency with a guy, spending time in his presence in myraid shared activities (e.g. movies, meals) is not unpleasant.
As i told many of my dear friends… i don’t see a difference between women and men beyond the physical. In my interactions with gals and guys, they are similar to me. [A reason why i cannot fathom male and female "energies".] The level of comfort is equal. The amount they offer in a conversation depends not on gender, but on their internal substance. You can see the same spirit or level of intellect or amount of passion… in a person, regardless of gender. As long as we don’t get into bed, i am happy interacting with both genders.
“Since you can be straight, why don’t you be straight?”
I cannot be straight.
I can force myself to behave sexually-straight at gun-point.
However, the sexual aspect of a relationship is fundamental to relationship health. As such, my preferred sexual characteristics of sexual partner is crucial to my well-being over the long term.
Thus the question is: Why should i act straight?
Why put on a facade for something that is so fundamental to my well-being… when it doesn’t hurt any other soul?
Anj is lesbian.
- About: Anj is decidedly lesbian.
- Forum discussion: Discussion
- technorati: lesbian, bisexual, sexual identity, singapore
Permalink
07.23.07
Posted in Announcements, Psychology & Research, Relationships at 4:45 pm by AnJ
Event: Relationship Myths
Date: 6th August 2007 (Monday)
Time: 7.30pm
Venue: 72-13
Have you been to forums in which lesbian women share about their relationships? What have you heard?
Stories of difficult love and barriers galore… the search for family acceptance of oneself and partners… the average lesbian relationship is given 7 years. Long-lived relationships are barely heard of; the occasional decade-long ones are much revered and looked upon as mythical creatures.
How much of gender differences come into play in the dynamics of relationships? Is love really all it takes for “forever”? In this interactive talk, you will be introduced- from the eye of research literature- to what contributes to relationship longevity and satisfaction; what separates straight relationships from queer ones.
You will be surprised… for what you think isn’t always what is.
- Forum discussion: Relationship Myths
- technorati: Lesbian, relationships, indignation, singapore
Permalink
07.03.07
Posted in Coming out at 1:41 pm by AnJ
I was off cycling with Mum at the beach… because she wanted my company. The weather was wonderful- neither sunny nor rainy. So we went on two separate bikes, much to my consternation. For she’s a slow cyclist. And i had to keep going at her snail pace. [Which i did. Mums get away with almost everything- in my case.]
The pleasant trip was tainted somewhat when she made a remark about how “lesbians won’t last in relationships” and cited how some of the tomboys she knew in her teenage years were later married to men. I happily told her that some of the lesbians i now know were married to men. It goes both ways. And they come with children from the straight marriage they had.
Read the rest of this entry »
- Forum discussion: Coming Out
- technorati: family, homosexuality, lesbianism, coming out, Singapore
Permalink
05.24.07
Posted in Coming out, Relationships at 10:17 am by AnJ
I had the chance to pass by a certain glass panel in a door and saw this frail old man, head bent, in his scratchy blue hospital outfit, hunched over in the chair. His masculine daughter towered above him, in a motion as if to embrace and comfort.
It was a fleeting poignant picture- it wouldn’t have been polite to linger.
What i came to learn after grieved me a lot more.
He told his daughter this:
He’s sorry that she turned out the way she did (lesbian), attributing lesbianism to the way he neglected her in her childhood. Read the rest of this entry »
- About: AnJ believes that accurate knowledge is the first step to empowerment.
- Forum discussion: Coming Out
- technorati: family, parents, gay, lesbian, homosexual
Permalink
05.12.07
Posted in Ex-gay, Singapore Gay News at 12:37 pm by AnJ
Life Stories- Weaving the fabric of your life.
The two story-tellers are J and KW. But there are actually three story-tellers. Edmund Smith is the unspoken third.
J is a pre-school teacher, an ex-lesbian, who looked like she is in her late-teens or early twenties. And she talked about how she was abused by her mother. This abuse sparked in her a desire for a mother-figure. She was butch and called her long tresses a “miracle of God”.
I don’t know why the theory of childhood abuse as the cause of homosexuality is frequently used. It is an ancient theory from Freud on why gay men exist. Now Freud is studied in literature, not psychology- which gives you a hint about how dependable a science it is. Read the rest of this entry »
- Forum discussion: LGBT News
- technorati: Safehaven Dialogue Session, gay, lesbian, Christian
Permalink
« Previous entries
