05.08.08
Posted in Coming out, Emotional Health, Identity, LGBT Rights, Relationships at 3:00 pm by jin
Image Copyright of Sayoni
One Sunday I had lunch with my uncle. We get along fairly well and I am out to him, but we are not at the stage where we have copious open free conversations about my relationship status or my partner. Anyhow, during lunch, it was just the two of us because my aunt was out of town. We were having a routine, run-of-the-mill conversation as usual (What are you ordering; how was your trip to Bangkok, how much did you pay for a massage; did you know that iceberg lettuce lowers blood sugar; the car is due for servicing etc)
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- About: Jin believes the big bad homophobic world can be changed one small step at a time
- Forum discussion:
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04.14.08
Posted in Fashion & Beauty, Feminism, Women's Health at 8:56 pm by jin
Image from signaturehealthsystems.com
Yesterday I went for my first facial treatment. For the past few months I have been thinking about starting to have them. I have been told that they are supposed to make you look more beautiful. I have also heard that they are painful, which has been the main reason for my hesitation. Plus I’ve never paid much attention to the way I look; I mean, I wash my face every day, mask it and moisturise it now and then, but not much else. Read the rest of this entry »
- About: Jin believes that the cliche "True beauty lies within" does hold true and was not invented merely as a consolation prize.
- Forum discussion: Fashion & Beauty
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08.30.07
Posted in Coming out, Emotional Health, General, Health, Identity, LGBT Rights, Mature at 11:08 pm by Guest Writers
Images from jupiterimages.co.uk
Hello I am sitting here at my computer at 6:23 am. Another night I couldn’t sleep well and feeling more alone than any soul on earth should feel. I turn to the presence of my cats for company and my new found shamanism beliefs in nature as I slowly look at the devastaing effect traditional religion has had on my brain in not accepting myself.
I once was a lesbian as if I once was a child, but I grew up and went back to being the kind of woman society accepts, that men find attractive, and that my son would admire. Sad thing is I didn’t admire me. Not only did I not admire me, I chose men who would hit me, use me, cheat on me, and worst of all not make me feel a thing in bed. I always thought if I could just find the right man, my body will respond like theirs does to mine. But no no no, year after year after year I defaced my own emotions with endless numbness offering my body to a man as if it was my only ticket to being straight. I had to pick despicable men for the cruel and endless punishment for really being a lesbian!
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- About: Written by breeze
- Forum discussion: Coming out
- technorati: glbt, lgbt, gay, lesbian, queer, coming out, internalized homophobia, women, dyke
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04.05.07
Posted in Emotional Health, General, Psychology & Research, Relationships at 4:23 pm by AnJ
I was reading an article on psychology today. The author started with the alarming news: “Marriage is dead! [Alarming because if you are the average folk, you would think that marriage should be certain in a sea- life- of uncertainty. Certainty helps keep you sane.]
Briefly, the author wrote that the concept of having a soul mate has raisen our expectations of our partners, and thus aggravated divorce rates. The author compared this to the traditional model of “father who brings home the bacon” and “mother who bears and raises the kids”. In other words, people in the past marry for practical reasons; people of today marry for the impossible concept of perfect love. The article seemed to ring a whiny tone, lamenting the low divorce rates of the not-too-distant-past. Obviously advocating for something our government would like- the agenda is glaring in my face.
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- About: AnJ loves peanut butter wholemeal sandwiches and unsweetened soy milk for breakfast... Maybe mothers have the same effect as wives.
- Forum discussion: RelationshipForum
- technorati: lesbian relationships, LGBT
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01.30.07
Posted in Health, Women's Health at 6:05 pm by sayoni
… are you at higher risk of developing breast or cervical cancer?
Being lesbian or bisexual does not directly influence the frequency of these cancers. But there are certain risk factors that are particularly prevalent among women who love women. For that reason, it’s important to be informed.
Loving yourself as a lesbian or bisexual woman also means taking care of yourself and watching your health!
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tags:
asia,
bisexual,
breast cancer,
cervical cancer,
ilga,
lesbian,
lgbt,
queer,
women,
women's health,
glbt
- About: Sayoni is a member of the International Lesbian and Gay Association. The worldwide dissemination of the present information is a service offered by ILGA and its Women's Secretariat RFSL the Swedish Federation for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Rights.
- Forum discussion: Sayoni Forum
- technorati: glbt, lgbt, lesbian, queer, women, asia, ilga, women's health, cervical cancer, breast cancer, bisexual
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12.28.06
Posted in Coming out, Emotional Health, Entertainment, General at 11:27 am by lublub
Is it just me? Or are there hordes of gay couples watching X-Men at the cinemas today?
Months ago, I was at the movies with a whole clique of gay male friends and we were there for the sneak preview of the third X-Men installment. After we came out of the cinemas, one of our friends had to use the boy’s room. Following standard protocol, we waited in a small circle at the cinema entrance for him to rejoin the group. And as we waited and created a traffic obstruction, people streamed out like a river flow to our left and right. If there’s one skill I’ve learnt after hanging around gay men so often, is that your propensity for identifying gay men just skyrockets. And there… to my left and right, were gay men in all their ‘NUM’/tanned/muscled glory. There were groups of three to four men-only cliques, and ‘couples’ of men walking together. It seemed that there were more gay people than straight people watching X-men.
Am I dreaming or am I dreaming?
Which makes me wonder, ‘why is it so often said that gay people identify with superhero movies?’ Especially the latest X-Men movie? What is it about the storyline or theme that draws us to such shows, even though they are not explicitly homosexual?
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- About: Lublub is a budding superhero, and her specialty is to turn into jelly at the sight of beautiful women.
- Forum discussion: Thing to muse about
- technorati: Entertainment, identity, coming out, queer, lesbian, bisexual, gay
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11.23.06
Posted in Emotional Health, Ex-gay, General, Identity at 3:37 pm by Guest Writers
Family…
A place of warmth and love,
A place of acceptance,
Bestowed upon by birth.
One day, to one’s consternation,
What i never knew…
Acceptance is only acceptance,
When their mould i fit into.
What’s wrong with this?
I don’t understand.
Why’s love not a crime,
only between woman and man?
“She’s beautiful, Mum.
Personality, character and all.
You will like her
As you get to know her more.”
“Abnormal! My child,
You have grieved me so.
Same-sex love is spurious…
Please redeem your soul!
“… For God on high is full of wrath
for people of such kind.
Leave this lifestyle, please my child.
Don’t, by lust, be blind.
“… Your Daddy has cancer…
he’s weaker by the day.
Don’t you care for your father?
Can’t you stop your play?
“… Our relatives will mock us.
My friends, what will they say?
That i’ve failed at parenting,
thus my child is gay!”
A foot into the mould i put…
An awkward shape it is.
Cramped toes, sprained back…
In pain, I clenched my fists.
Family… supposedly…
A place of warmth and love,
A place of acceptance,
Bestowed upon by birth.
Alas, acceptance is acceptance,
When their mould i cramp into.
Would they care my heart smithereens
as long the facade fools?
*Author has chosen to remain anonymous.
- About: The author wants to share some of the tactics used by parents, when exerting pressure on gay children for superficial change: societal norm, religion, guilt, "face" etc. You are not alone.
- Forum discussion: Sayoni Forum
- technorati: Lesbian, coming out, acceptance, family
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11.07.06
Posted in Emotional Health, General at 2:07 pm by AnJ
The need for clarity- Precision
Cohen and Sterling suggest that in relationships, precision is forgotten. We operate as if our minds would be read. Too often the underlying assumptions are not brought to the table and when these assumptions become invalid, parties are exasperated.
But again, this is not so simple.
The idea of stipulating what you want in a partner comes across as artificial:
“I want you to make love to me not because i ask you to, but because you WANT to!”
“I want you to celebrate Valentine’s Day with me, out of the eagerness of your own heart.”
“If you truly loved me, you would have known. I wouldn’t need to tell you.”
For some reason, we perceive that clarity and direct communication erased the “magical feel” of romantic relationships. Instead of communciating what we want to our partners, we expect our minds to be read. When this is “done inaccurately”, we chide them for being uncaring or insensitive.
The reluctance can be summed up in this sentence “You are doing it only because i told you to.” This reluctance sets up the relationship in a no-win situation because sincere attempts to later fulfill these spoken desires would gain no appreciation.
This is a common phenomenon: thinking that others think the way we do.
“How can you do such a thing?! I would never!”
“How can you think of this? It is hurtful and insensitive.”
When we think that our partners think the way we do, direct communication is then perceived as unnecessary. Everything is left to intuition. This, however, does not work forever. Partners may believe that they are operating with existing agreements, with clear promises. And that these promises are fair.
But what is fair is subjective. Consider this conversation:
“You said you will spend more time with me! But i am seeing you only once a week and we hardly chat over the phone…” *cries foul*
“I am very busy and i thought you know it from the start? I already gave up some of my hobbies just to spend time with you!” *cries fair*
And before you know it, arguments over the accuracy of facts (from memory) and interpretation ensues:
“I never said that! Don’t put words in my mouth.”
“I remembered clearly that you said this…”
The dispute over the “ultimate truth” does little good for both parties would be adamant that ”my version is the truth!”
So we see this link:
Unspoken Promises -> Shattered Promises -> Resentment/Hostility/Disappointment -> Accusations
You need clarity. With precision, you will short-circuit this cycle.
————–
What if the party we are dealing with cannot handle the truth?
First of all we need to know that all of us are unique- therefore differences are inevitable. Healthy communication would help to ease and resolve these unavoidable conflicts.
Cohen and Sterling wrote this:
“In order for the truth to emerge, for open communication to be risked, a relationship must have a basis of trust, commitment, mutual respect and love. Beyond these basic qualities of a relationship, three additional factors are necessary to successfully address conflict:
1. couples must have an appreciation for and an acceptance of their differences;
2. they must recognize the inevitability of some conflict in their relationship;
3. they must have confidence in their abilities to effectively deal with conflict in a productive and mutually satisfying way.
All too often, conflict… is viewed as a life-threatening disease… yet, conflict is not only unavoidable in healthy relationships, it is essential to them.”
The point is:
If you think your relationship cannot handle the truth… then maybe it is on rocky foundations. (Or perhaps, you are not giving it sufficient credit.) One way to broach the topic of open communcation with your partner/friend/sibling etc, is to sit down and discuss their comfort level with laying all the cards on the table (open exchange)… Emphasizing that it is not about finger pointing; that everyone has differences and it is how we negotiate these differences that matters. Also, affirm their value to you.
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Being Even
“Being even” does not mean keeping a record of who did what for whom. When this happens, it becomes like a business arrangement, instead of a relationship. It is exhausting as you have to keep an eye on what your partner is doing, as well as put a value to “favours” that she did for you.
Example:
“I took the trash out yesterday; it’s your turn to do so today!”
“I paid for the telephone bill… it came up to $300. I think you should pay the utilities bill for two months to match the amount.”
Draining? Yes, i thought so too.
The opposite of score-keeping is “unconditional love“.
Now, i know some of you have airy fairy ideas of unconditional love. But as limited human beings, some give-and-take is inevitable. Imagine that this girl you like treats you like trash i.e. sleep around, abuse you emotionally and physically, would you spend your decades of your life giving time, money and loving words to someone who does not love you at all? Some call it nobility; others call it irrationality.
Being even means that there are no resentments on the side of creditors and no guilt persistently hanging over debtors. There is balance and fairness, without the need for score-keeping. Giving comes naturally.
Look at this continuum (of giving):
Her Only ———-{———-M———-}———- You Only
Between {} is the fuzzy zone of giving which occurs when partners are even. M is the midpoint of giving where exact scorekeeping is necessary. The fuzzy zone tend to widen over time when the relationship develops in positive ways, with shared history and experiences. The more intense the experiences, the wider the zone. For example: siblings who were under abusive parents and sought solace in each other.
The wider the zone {}, the greater debt-free exchange can occur.
You know you are even when you feel:
Appreciated, safe and secure, appreciative of the other party, less guarded.
Give and receive freely. And when you slip into debt, resolve the issues with clarity and commitment. That would help keep your relationship “even“.
Cheers!
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Concepts from “You Owe Me- The emotional debts that cripple relationships” by Eric J. Cohen and Gregory Sterling.
- About: Anj raises her champagne glass and wishes all couples a blessed time together.
- technorati: lesbian, love, relationships
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11.05.06
Posted in Emotional Health, General at 9:21 am by AnJ
When you are faced with someone who pursue you relentlessly… someone who is out to exact the maximum punishment possible for a misdeed you have intentionally or unintentionally done and regretted, what will you do?
Or you cannot repay because the payment asked for is beyond your capacity, what can happen then?
Consider this scenario:
Jessie and Kate had been together for the past 3 months. From the start, Kate was not sure of their relationship but she went in anyway. This led to other problems later. Their preferences have stark differences. Jessie cannot sleep without the aircon on but Kate cannot sleep without the aircon; Jessie thinks making random checks on Kate’s sms-es and emails is reasonable but Kate thinks it is an invasion of privacy. Unfortunately, they could not come to a consensus on these issues. For: “If you love me, you would want me to have good sleep!” and “If you are honest and faithful, what’s there to fear?” On top of these, Kate had been ridiculed over her dressing, her language proficiency etc.
Kate decided to leave the relationship. Jessie is irate… using guilt as a potent weapon. “How can you do this to me! I am so miserable over this… you are tearing my heart into shreds… !” Kate relented, remembering what Jessie had done in the past for her. It is important to note that at this point, Kate stopped perceiving Jessie as a romantic partner, but as a confidante. What Jessie is looking for… is a romantic partner. What Kate can provide is only companionship. Thus Kate’s inability to provide more is yet another base for condemnation. “You are playing with my feelings! How can you say you love me and not mean it?” This resulted in a vicious cycle of breaking and patching up. Breaking, as initiated by Kate, when things go beyond the threshold, and patching out of guilt on Kate’s part.
In such a situation, the best bet is to flee (debt flight).
Some emotional debts are overwhelming, such that the debtors feel that they cannot pay. (No, please don’t take to your heels upon reading this!)
To flee would mean physical separation from the creditor.
This is a strategy that can be used when your survival or sanity or emotional well-being is at stake. It can be the only reasonable option for someone hopelessly stuck. Suffice to say, when debt flight occurs, the relationship is permanently severed. (And a good thing this is… if you are experiencing great distress!)
Before you flee, declare WHY you are unable to meet the terms of payment. It might be good to be clear on why you are unable to do so. This facilitates closure.
In the scenario above, Kate can tell Jessie that she is unable to play the part of a lover, because Kate does not perceive romantic attraction between them anymore.
What if you are holding yourself in debt when noone else is?
We are a bunch of people who blame ourselves a lot! Surprising but true.
As parents, they go, “Did i bring my child up properly? Why is she like that! It’s my fault… something went amiss with my way of upbringing… ”
As students, we go, “Why did i do badly? I didn’t work hard enough! I failed my parents…”
As girlfriends, we go, “Am i good enough for my girlfriend? Did i do this right? Am i treating her the best i can?”
As victims, they go, “I brought this upon myself.”
My take: see a counselor.
In such situations, it is best to determine if you are indeed culpable. For about 99% of incidents/circumstances, it takes MANY factors to come to that. To blame yourself continuously is unproductive. After all, human beings are not heavenly angels. In such instances, trouble-shoot!
Trouble-shooting is much better than going (set in repeat-mode):
“This is all my fault! How can i be like this… why did i do this… i am fully responsible… *sobs* *sighs* *scratches head till hair falls out*”
Unfruitful. Period.
A trouble-shooter goes:
What went wrong?
How to circumvent/prevent that?
How to minimize the damage now that it has occurred?
And make a point not to repeat that mistake.
———————————-
Next up: Creditors… when those you hold in debt don’t pay up.
Alright Creditors…
Here goes a paragraph of forgiveness.
I really don’t want to nag because all of us have been well-taught by our parents on forgiveness (yes?). So i will just give you the gist of what i want to say.
The basis for human forgiveness:
Human beings are flawed. We all make mistakes. That’s why we need forgiveness. Noone deserves forgiveness… forgiveness in itself means the other party is undeserving.
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting.
In fact, it might be perilous for you to forget, in the event that physical/emotional harm has been inflicted. You need to be aware of precedence of certain incidents so that you can take prevention measures. This is “protecting yourself”.
Forgiveness does not mean acceptance.
Forgiving someone does not mean you condone what was done. Imagine if your partner cheated on you repeatedly. You have given her the 100th second chance and your heart is in pieces. You are an utter wreck.
It’s time to move on baby~!
Forgiveness means letting go of the resentment. It is a personal release. This may not happen overnight. You might experience occasional pangs of hatred/resentment. But if you want to, you can make a commitment to forgive. This means dealing with your resentment and consciously making sure, as best as you can, that it does not affect the other party (this is especially important when you undergo debt settlement- refer to previous post).
Don’t want to forgive (release the resentment)?
Okay… the only other alternative: wallow in misery, hatred and blame.
Your call… *winks*
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Concepts from “You Owe Me- The emotional debts that cripple relationships” by Eric J. Cohen and Gregory Sterling.
- About: Anj is cooking up a storm for her friends soon...
- technorati: Relationships, lesbian, love
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11.03.06
Posted in Emotional Health, General at 10:34 am by AnJ
Welcome to part 3 of this series. In this section, we talk about how to identify relational debts in four simple steps.
1. Are there Problem Behaviors?
“I have never seen her so angry.”
“Everything she says drips with sarcasm.”
“She is exceptionally agreeable of late. She does everything that i like but that she hates…”
In such situations, it is important to feedback to your partner (or whoever you are dealing with) about her behavior. For example:
Ellen: “Why have you been so critical and irritable of late?”
Carol: “Nah, you are probably being over-sensitive.”
Ellen: “That’s not it. This morning you yelled at me for being 10 minutes late. You have never been angry over waiting.”
Ellen cites a specific incident and points out the discrepancy between Carol’s normal behavior and the problem behavior. This is a crucial step to recognizing that something is amiss. It also prevents the discussion from sliding into “you are over-reacting… no, you are really behaving strangly” cycle.
2. What are the underlying emotions?
Behaviors are an indication of emotions that lie beneath the surface. Some are more obvious than others. Example: Smashing of items generally reveals anger/frustration. Others are less apparent. Example: Being silent may reflect sorrow, anger, avoidance or fatigue.
Looking at the link between behaviors and feelings requires a sense of honesty. (Surprised?) Not all of us are self-aware and those of us who are… may not be self-aware in all situations.
Sometimes we are sarcastic but we pass it off as genuine laughter. Sometimes we tease out of resentment… but again, we may not be aware of the root emotion.
3. Determining if you are a creditor or a debtor.
How you feel is the best indicator.
Resentment: Irritation, Annoyance, Anger, Contempt, Rage, Hatred, Vengefulness.
You are a creditor.
Guilt: Sense of responsibility, Inadequacy, Regret, Remorse, Embarrassment, Shame, Self-hate.
You are a debtor.
4. Locating the origin of debt.
You can ask yourself: “What’s pissing me off?” Or.. “What am i trying to pay back?”
Examples of some answers to these questions:
“She pushed me into doing something i wasn’t comfortable doing. Friends do not behave that way.”
“I cannot get over the fact that she tried to kill herself over what i said. She almost died, thanks to the careless remark i made.”
——————————
Debt Resolution
Now that you have identified the source of the debt, you can go about debt resolution.
1. The very first step to debt resolution is to realize that it is all about perceptions. How many times have you heard people say these:
“I know perfectly what you mean.”
“I heard you say that with my own ears!”
“I never said that! Don’t out words into my mouth!”
People frequently argue about who is right, who is wrong, who did what, who said what and what these mean. Each of us have unshakable faith in our own objectivity. Any discrepancies is due to mis-interpretations on everyone else’s parts. This attitude of “I am always right!” need not be consciously endorsed for you to behave this way.
Thus, when we go about solving interpersonal problems, we need to do so with humility and respect for perceptual differences. Changing the way you phrase things would help tremendously.
“It felt like you were telling me to…. when you said… “
“I may not be getting all the pieces of the puzzle, but it seems like… “
The limitations of human perception also means that we can be absolutely wrong!
It takes courage to accept this position.
2. The second thing we need to know is accepting that a debt exist does not mean that the debt is valid. That means that your partner’s perception may be unjustifiable under the circumstances… but that does not mean that the sense of debt is not real.
When you are caught in such a situation, you can:
a. appeal to third party/parties for (hopefully) a more balanced judgment
b. appeal to normal or typical behavior in that specific circumstance
But keep this in mind:
It’s not so much about being right and wrong, as it is about having one’s thoughts and feelings valued and respected by others.
When the debt is valid, you can move on to specifying how you want the debt settled.
The currency of payment can be anything the creditor can think so, as long as it is within the means of the debtor.
Examples: flowers, hobby products, increased affection,, foot rubs, stop smoking, make phone calls from work, change hair-style, clean the house.
However, things are not always as smooth.
What happens when you are faced with a debtor who cannot pay up or who refused to pay up? Or when you have a creditor who pursues you relentlessly with an exorbitant repayment price?
We will cover this in part 4 of this series.
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Concepts from “You Owe Me- The emotional debts that cripple relationships” by Eric J. Cohen and Gregory Sterling.
- About: Anj decided to spend her winter days learning to curl her tongue in French.
- technorati: emotional issues, lesbian, relationship
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