06.19.06

“Women, submit …!”

Posted in General, LUSH, Relationships, Support Groups at 12:05 pm by jin

Last week I attended a friend’s wedding. The bible passage chosen for the reading was 1Corinthians 13:4-8 about Charity aka Love. “Love is patient & kind etc”. Probably the most quoted verses at weddings. The ceremony was also traditional in the sense that the bride and groom had slightly different vows. Both of them promised to be Loving and Faithful, but she in addition had to be Obedient too.

I’m sure this practice has its roots in Ephesians 5:22-33. (Probably the 2nd-most quoted passage at weddings.) “Wives, submit to your husbands … for the husband is the head of the wife … blah blah etc”. Coincidentally or not, this verse came up during Bible study during the cell group session the day before I attended the wedding. And ironically or not, this passage was the main reason why I stopped going to church many years ago.

For the period of my life when I had boyfriends, I was disillusioned about Christianity and one big reason was this verse. Submit?!? I wasn’t about to yield to anyone, regardless whether they held the status of my boyfriend or lover. It conjured up images of docile, spineless women who tiptoe around like cowering mice. Doormats, basically. It all made me want to cringe or puke.

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• About: Jin aspires to be a loving, faithful, obedient christian wife
• Forum discussion: Christianity
• technorati: lesbian, gay, queer, christianity, gay christians, glbt, submission, submit

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03.24.06

the Ex-Gay auntie!

Posted in Coming out, General, Identity, LUSH, Support Groups at 10:07 am by jin

It was last Thursday. I had tea with my aunt’s ex-gay friend. Actually I had met her once before, so when we met this time, we just started by chatting about things in general. We talked about bars and clubs, because she is a musician and has been playing in nightspots her whole professional life. (This was some hip 47-year-old, OK!)

The conversation was very informal and friendly all the time. Mostly she was just sharing about her past and telling me about her experiences. She was not offensive or patronising or condescending. She didn’t say “If I can change and be straight, you can and must do it too”. I think I was just (as usual) preparing myself for the worst. Having never met anyone who hails from the ex-gay camp (pun intended), I half expected this lady to be a Bible-thumping, verse-spewing, self-righteous, re-virginised prude who would stare down at me from atop her high horse.

But she actually seemed quite normal. Her stand is that though homosexuality is wrong, maybe it is just part of my journey. Maybe it is just a phase that I have to go through to experience something or other. (I’m fine with that. People are allowed to draw whatever conclusions they wish, as long as they are not offensive, or trying to force me to believe what they believe.)
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• About: Jin is boldly testing the waters.
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• Forum discussion: Christianity
• technorati: lesbian, gay, ex-gay, queer, coming out, christianity, gay christians

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03.16.06

Activism with A-band-on

Posted in Coming out, General, Identity, LUSH at 12:32 pm by jin

I’ve been wearing a rainbow-coloured rubber wristband. You know, those wristbands that come in various colours, first it was a yellow one from the Lance Armstrong Foundation, then there was the dual black/white for anti-racism, and before long, even Giordano and McDonalds were selling them too. I’m not one for fads, so I’ve never owned or bought one in any of the myriad of colours they come in. Except this Rainbow one.

My gf and I bought one each, from a gay shop in Sydney. Our $10 went in support of the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras Parade. We put them on as we left the shop, and to me, it was like now I was “branded”, I was wearing a visible sign that acknowledges that I am gay. My gf wondered if wearing rainbow wristbands would attract attention and maybe get us beaten up by some anti-gay hooligans.

It was a big step for me, my small triumph of activism. Declaring to the world “Hey, I am gay, and I don’t mind letting you know that either.” Ordinarily, people would not glance twice at me because my appearance fits the stereotype of “straight”, but this time, we both felt somewhat self-conscious as we walked back to the train station. Read the rest of this entry »

• About: Jin believes that if not for tiny little drops of water, there would be no ocean.
• Forum discussion: Sayoni Forum
• technorati: lesbian, queer, gay, coming out, sydney mardi gras 06, gay pride, identity

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03.12.06

Where do I go from here?

Posted in General, LUSH, Support Groups at 5:03 pm by jin

So today at 5pm I’m supposed to go meet up with my aunt’s ex-gay friend. (How did this happen?)
Yes! I finally came out to my uncle and aunt. This was two Thursdays ago (every time we have dinner at their house it seems to be a Thursday). After dinner, we were still loitering around the dinner table, and I said to my uncle “I have something to tell you, I am gay.”

It was something like jumping into a chilly swimming pool on a hot day. You are comfy and warm on the deck chair. Yet you know you want to go into the pool. You know it’s going to be deliciously cold and refreshing once you’re in, but you also know that the transition, the split second that the icy water hits your sun-warmed skin, is going to be a jolt. So you steel your nerves, grit your teeth, take a deep breath and jump in.

And once I had said it, it really was kinda like being underwater; a shiver ran through my body and I was still holding my breath and adjusting to the shock of the transition. And there was silence. A few seconds where everything sounded very distant and dull.
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• About: Jin is boldly testing the waters.
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• Forum discussion: Christianity
• technorati: lesbian, gay, queer, coming out, christianity, gay christians

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02.15.06

The turmoil within…

Posted in General, LUSH, Support Groups at 12:14 pm by jin

Last Thursday I failed again in my ongoing mission to come out to my aunt and uncle. I have been wanting to take that step, to share with them about myself but have been too chicken. I am scared. Scared of their reaction, scared of the turmoil that might follow.

(I am only out to 3 family members, but coming out to this aunt and uncle represents a big step because I am closest to them; my uncle was my legal guardian after my mother passed away, and they continue to look out for, and care for, my sister and me.)

Last Thursday seemed like a better time than most. (And I’ve been told that there will NEVER be a “good” time to come out to family.) It seemed like a good time because 1) we hadn’t planned on meeting them but my sister sms’d me in the day and asked if I would be free to have dinner at their house. So it seemed like I was being presented with The Opportunity to meet with them and talk to them, just when I’d been thinking about it. And 2) They seemed to be in a good mood. Light-hearted and friendly. And 3) I was all psyched up after talking to Sandy and Janet, this lesbian couple from California; Sandy’s a pastor, and Janet is a missionary, and they came to visit our church and spend some time with us the week before last. And the main message that spoke to me the most was the fact that we are not here on earth to please other people. We are accountable only to our Heavenly Father. And what’s more, She has a great plan for us. And the fact that She created us Special, as LGBT people, means she wants to use us for Extraordinary things.

There are other Very Good Reasons why I shouldn’t make an issue out of coming out to them. Like the fact that I am an adult; I don’t depend on them for a place to stay; they can’t disown me (not being my parents in the first place); and I am doing nothing wrong by being gay.

But somehow, something always stops me from blurting out the words. I can’t seem to gather the courage. I tell myself that there is no reason to change the way things are right now. I anticipate that they will think less of me. Somehow my resolve falters, and I change my mind, and think “Maybe there will be a better time to tell them…”

When LUSH first started, I thought to myself, “But I don’t think that being gay is a sin. So that means that I am not conflicted. So I won’t have anything in common with the other girls in the group who DO think that it is a sin to be gay.”

But as I thought about it more, I realized that “being conflicted” doesn’t simply mean thinking that being gay is a sin. I realized that my eternal struggle to proudly come out to my family is a reflection that I am also conflicted in a sense.

And this is one of my struggles. I continually search myself. Do I really claim that “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength” (Phil 4:13)?Psalm 139:13-16 says “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

And yet, the turmoil within me churns on…